Hey guys. My pdoc wants me to add Cymbalta. My T called me last night just as I was leaving class (I missed the call, darn, darn, darn), and told me that he had called my pdoc again, and that pdoc called Cymbalta into the pharmacy. I went and picked it up, but I'm not gonna start it til Monday... cause in a little while I'm leaving to go to NY for the weekend to visit family, and go to a wedding. I don't want to be experiencing side effects on top of the depression while I'm away. I was kind of overwhelmed at the the fact that my pdoc called in a med without even talking to him first.... but I tried to think logically about the situation, and realized that I've already been on about 15 meds... what's left? He picked this one because of the descreased severity of side effects, and how quickly it is supposed to work. My T worked really fast trying to get this all to happen for me. So what do I do? Get pissed at him, of course. But I am aware of what I am doing. Idealizing, devaluing. Black and white. When I spoke with him in the afternoon, he was so supportive. When I hung up, I felt he was the best therapist ever. I loved him, he was God. When he left me the msg. at night, I expected him to also add.... I am hoping you're feeling better, I will call you to find out how you're doing, I am hoping you're ok, etc. Instead, it was all business. So I got really angry with him and came really close to leaving a msg. to give him a piece of my mind, and asking him if he's my pdoc's %#@&#! secretary. But I didn't do it. I know he wouldn't mind if I did. I don't know. I thought about it logically, but the feelings are still there. I hope that one day I will be able to have worked hard enough to find a middle ground.

Anyway, I have to go pack for NY.

Incidentally, all of the warning signs of my last full-blow depression came on right before the last time I had gone to NY. It came on full, a bit after I got back.

Incidentally.

My mother.

In NY.

Every time I see her, she looks worse.

Hair not done, dirty clothes, etc.

Mental illness.

I don't want to be like her.

I will talk to you guys when I get back.