Ever since I was around 13, I have suffered from panic attacks/anxiety and depression. I was physically and emotionally abused by my father throughout my childhood and as the abuse escalated, the panic attacks began. Anxiety has colored my life ever since and while I learned to function with it in some ways, I also know that there have been many ways this has held me back throughout my life (school, jobs, relationships, etc). I've tried talk therapy, anti depressants over the years but it barely seems to have scratched the surface. I end up in the same cycle of anxiety, self-doubt, negative talk, self-sabotage, low motivation, depression over and over. It has cost me job opportunities and relationships and caused so much regret.

The more I learn about cPTSD, the more it resonates for me. I've never officially been diagnosed with it but it seems to explain a lot. I'm working with a therapist now who wants to start EMDR. I feel this is potentially a good thing as I know deep down I've never really grieved for the loss of the girl I once was before the abuse began. I'm also scared to take these next steps. I know I have to and believe the process will be worth it. I'm just so lost right now...last therapy session, we began listing some of my trauma history. My therapist approached it from the point of "lets write down the worst things that have happened to you that you can remember". I was surprised at some of the stuff that came up. We also started another list of happy memories in my life, and boy, were those a lot more difficult to come up with! I've noticed that since that session, I have been feeling even more depressed though. I cry every single day now and even more upsetting memories are coming to the surface. I try to counteract those with even the smallest happy memories but I find that even when I think of the good things I've accomplished, I get more sad because those things didn't last. I'm sure this a normal part of this process, but god, I feel so damaged, confused and stuck that I can barely function these past several days. I'm in a pretty dark place right now and while I have a couple of good friends who support me, I am so worried for my future.

I guess I'm looking for advice and feedback from those who have been in similar situations. How do you get through this? If you've used EMDR, how did it work for you and how did you hold it together in between sessions? I haven't even begun the nuts and bolts of this treatment yet, and I feel like I'm coming apart with the onslaught of bad memories and losses I've sustained.

Thank you for reading and for your support.