I am so fed up with my inability to look at T in the eyes. I am so fed up not being able to ask her questions. I think partly that stems from my time in treatment when I asked the counsellor on my first day there if he was an alcoholic also? I remember he was cross that i asked and said it was none of my business.

I guess for some, that type of short, sharp response works. For me It scared me and I learnt not to ask people in position questions.

Lately I've been wondering about T as a person, does she go shopping or does she order online? Then I wondered if she ever gets depressed? So on the drive over I was determined to ask.

I looked her straight in the eyes and asked "Do you ever get depressed"? Her eyes were directly back at me and she seemed to be taken back by my question and continued to stare for a short while, but I kept her eye and said "well I am asking you, do you"? she said "Well everybody does" I ssaid "and what do you do?" she replied with a small laugh "I enjoy it while it lasts" Then she sat up a bit and added " Well I guess its a time to reflect inwards"

I then asked does she ever feel so fed up with everything and want to walk away from it all? She said why do you ask? I said because I want to know. She said you are asking me if I am going to walk away from you? I gathered by that reflecting the question back to me, she was firstly showing me what I may well be asking her, and secondly, she isn't prepared to answer.

I explained to her my fear of asking questions, and she said its ok to ask questions, but its not always useful to answer them all.

I nodded in agreement with her, I understand that. I also don't want to end up a relationship where its just for information and curiosity. I do have a lot of curiosity, and even that feeling I normally struggle to contain, do not like to frustrated when I can't get it met. Or I'd spend most of the time seeking info and not looking inwards also I think.

I think also though I'm trying to see her as a person and not an idolised god. I told her when she told me on Mondays session that she doesn't like removing dead mice from traps and throws the trap away with the mice, I was surprised, I said it made me think of the Mouse and Elephant story. It ws good to know she doesn't like touching mice. Helps me see its ok not to be superman. Except I'd wish she'd told me before the wkend when I was alone with a mouse and a trap LOL! and thought I was a coward for asking the guy next door to get it for me LOL!

I asked her also why am I in T, she talked about how if things happen early in life and then your experiences aren't contained, then you won't develope any resistence to lifes events.

She asked me if that was hard to hear? I replied, NO! it actually fits my experience exactly. Thats just how I feel/felt. She said but you are developing resisilence now.

I couldnt keep eye contact all through session, but I gave it a bloody good go!