Hi Scarlet

I think this is really, really normal (and not a bad wish at all). I really wish Ts would be more cognizant of the pain they cause when they screw up like this too. It seems to be so widespread (though maybe we're just seeing a biased sample here), and some Ts just do not get it. It feels really unfair that the client has to bear so much pain when a T messes up, and the T really doesn't seem to suffer any consequences.

I almost wish there were "review boards" that had to approve T's terminating clients if they'd seen them for more then... oh I don't know, say 2 months? Long enough for attachment to form, anyway.

That way the review board could say, "OK... hang on one second there. Are you NUTS? This client needs you! You've promised them the world, you're their only support, you can't just disappear now. Now, if you want to talk about how to transition them to someone else, gently, over time... we can do that, but no, you can't just kick them out."

Oh, Ts. (*Guilloche shakes head sadly*).

You know, I read a really interesting blog post somewhere (forgive me if I mentioned it before)... the person had moved and needed a new pdoc, because they were running low on meds. She was very responsible and made sure to schedule an appointment in advance of running out, so she wouldn't need a prescription immediately and wouldn't look like she was "drug-seeking" (isn't it sad that people have to go through these mental gymnastics for medicines that they need?)

Anyway, she brought up her SI and was fairly open about it, and only too late realized the pdoc was freaking out, and not looking like he was willing to take her on. The point I found interesting was, she said that... when you deal with normal (non-T) people... they give you social cues as you're talking. You can see when someone is uncomfortable, and you can hold back a bit to smooth things over, especially with someone you don't know well yet. But, with Ts and p-docs, they're trained to not show reactions. (Which is torturous to me!). So, she didn't know it was a problem until it was too late.

What you wrote reminded me of that. You have a lot of self-awareness, you care about people, you try hard to not run over people's boundaries... if your T had a problem with you, and if she had let you know... you would have moved heaven and earth to fix it, if it was fixable. You had already bent over backwards to do what she asked you to do (to try to heal) - things like trying to talk instead of writing, including her in your crisis plan, going to the DBT group.

It's a very "not human" way for her to act.... and it still makes me mad on your behalf. You had talked about her modeling a "real" relationship for you. In real relationships, people don't just quit. People talk through problems, negotiate boundaries, figure things out.

So, again, I'm sorry... and again, I think it wasn't your fault.

And, from your next post (about your advocate mentioning having worked with your T before! ) hopefully you're starting to see that it REALLY wasn't YOUR fault.

I think the problem is that 1+1 does equal 2, but in your mind, there's a contradictory belief.

So, from my point of view, one (likely!) answer to"why" is because your T was not a good enough T. *She* failed (not your fault) because SHE wasn't enough, she didn't have the skills, she didn't have the internal health/strength/whatever to stand by you, she overestimated her abilities...

But, what happens if you hear that, but your brain still believes your T was perfect? Then, the equation doesn't make sense, because the answer seems impossible!

I hope that talking with the advocate helps put your mind at ease a little bit that maybe it truly wasn't anything you did wrong.

Although, seriously... your T had other complaints filed against her? Ohhhh man, you should see the wisps of smoke starting to float up from my head!

Anyway... I hope each day gets a little bit better. I'm still so impressed with how well you've gotten through this, despite all the pain and misery. Seriously. I feel like I really need to set a higher standard for my own behaviors now

*hugs*