I’m 17 and I don’t understand myself. I’m not attracted towards people, but only when it comes down to intimacy, in the exact moment of when it actually happens. I often have crushes on people that are unattainable or out of my league. I crush on them, but when I think about it, I would not actually want to date them or get sexually intimate with them. At least that’s what I think, I could be wrong. Like when it comes down to heat of the moment, I wouldn’t be into it. But I’m also not certain because I’ve never able to experience physical intimacy with someone I find to be TOO attractive. I don’t know why, but I have never enjoyed making out with people. The few times it has happened, I would think beforehand that it’s going to be great and fun, but then it would turn out to be kind of pointless. On the other hand, I think I might be comfortable with someone that is say, under my league, someone that doesn’t intimidate me because he’s not too disgustingly good looking or whatever. It sounds like I have an inferior complex, but that’s not it. But then again: given the opportunity, I don’t know if I’d be able to invest intimacy in someone who I consider to be under my league, or anyone in general. I have sexual desires and fantasies like everyone else, but when it comes down to it in real life, it almost repulses me. I don’t understand how other girls are willing to give guys blowjobs because that just seems…pointless and almost degrading. I don’t think I’m asexual, if anything I might be gray-sexual or demi-sexual. I don’t know. I’ve been called cold-hearted/emotionless a couple times. I think a potential solution is to hook up with a bunch of people in college, and then maybe I’ll understand myself. Or just wait until something clicks.

I tried to think of reasons or events in my life that might be the root of my confusion/problems. I’m an only child, so I’m used to being alone all the time (it’s probably insignificant considering so many people are the only child). Also, I’m easily the forgotten/extra friend in 7 out of 10 situations. Other than my mom, I can think of maybe a few people who actually remember to invite me to hang out, actually prioritize me. I’m not saying I want people to hail my presence, but it’d be nice to have people who actually thinks highly of me. I know people respect me because of my accomplishments blah blah whatnot, but there’s a difference between respecting someone and actually want to be influenced by that person’s presence. And I didn’t even realize this until I thought about my previously mentioned unidentified problems. Relating back to my previous point, it might be uncomfortable to date someone who in my opinion is too perfect because then I would be under-appreciated, again. Maybe I just need to find a perfect balance, or maybe I am incapable of devoting romantic/physical intimacy to others. I don’t understand it, and I’m stuck at this point in life where I can’t really do anything different than what I’m already doing every day.

*I'm sorry this is poorly written, I can't quite put my scattered thoughts into words*