Thanks for the support guys. I suppose the fact that you are all so very far away is not so important if you think the way I think, or at least understand or appreciate the way I think. That seems to be hardest for me. Most days I am just fine. I work really hard and my work fills my head. That is good. It is when I stop thinking that I run into trouble. So my nights are the worst. I agonise over eating, not eating, what to eat, what not to eat. Most of the time I end up with a carrot or some celery sticks. Several days a week I deliberately eat with other people so that I eat. I know that if I don't eat I can't think and if I can't think I can't work and I can't afford that - psychologically that nearly killed me two years ago.

I actually think I am doing pretty well, but I have times that are quite desperate. I still think about suicide - a lot. For me it is a control mechanism, just another form of control like my eating disorder. If I don't think that I can end my life whenever I want, then I can't function properly. Restricting what I eat is a slow but very effective part of that and it is my trump card.

Does anyone else feel like this? I did a lot of therapy over the last couple of years and I thought I was doing so very well to stop starving myself, but now I feel like I am stuck between a full blown eating disorder and normality. I am pretty sure 'normal people' don't constantly think about suicide and see a way to kill themselves with everything that they come across. Is this just part of my eating disorder or is it something entirely different?

Spebby from the Outback