I had been having a bout of Depression before it all happened. I had told him I felt in love with him two months into the relationship. I never told him I loved him, I only told him I felt "in love." Our relationship was based upon honesty. He wanted honesty, so the day I missed a birth control pill, even if we had not had sex after that, I told him I didn't know I was pregnant. The thing is that I had read the instructions for the medication wrong. I am supposed to take
two pills instead of just
one on the day I remember. Since I was doing the opposite, I had misread the instructions, that day I missed the pills I had a hunch and I reread the instructions. I took
two pills this time and my period didn't come. My anxiety got the best of me and I told my boyfriend I wasn't sure if my period didn't come because I was pregnant or because I had kept to the instructions. I explained everything to him. Even one morning when we were about to have sex I asked him to put a condom on because I hadn't taken my pills. I was really strict about it. I'm too young to have children, plus I'm in college, plus my mother would kick me out of her house if I were pregnant.
He went batshit crazy on me. He compared me to two other ladies he had dated that tried to trick him into getting them pregnant. I kept repeating that I could not have children, I did not want children at this moment in my life, I am taking medications that could possibly be fatal to the fetus, if not damaging, why would I want a child? I tried to talk some sense into him but he just kept going saying "You are sounding exactly like them [the women]." He ended up raging and telling me that he did not want to talk to me anymore. Nevertheless, I promised him I would take a test the next day and I had already had bloodwork drawn from the doctor from after we had sex the last time because the doctor thought I might be diabetic. All this was through text because at the time I thought he was working in his lab and I did not want to call him (I assume that if he checks his messages it's because he has time to do so).
That night I cut my left arm. This is not the first time that I cut. I was trying to cope with the Depression and the argument to the best of my abilities. Cutting helped because I couldn't sleep that night from all the crying. I questioned him. I questioned myself. I questioned, "What if we keep the relationship going for 10 years and I end up pregnant one day accidentally and he just leaves me after 10 years?"
The next morning I took the test, I sent him the results with a picture of the negative result. He texted me "Good morning
" and then I can't remember what he said that ticked me off. I had told him I was suicidal already, I believe, and since he didn't believe anything I said the day before, I sent him a picture of my wounds from the day before. I believe I said something like, "And ignore that you have a suicidal girlfriend over here." But he had just told me he was going to work. I regret having done this a billion times. You guys don't know how much I regret the picture and what I said, but it was sort of like the spurt of the moment, just another one of my stupid irrational moments, like the night before when I had cut myself.
He stormed on me again. He said I was blackmailing him. He said I had violated The Rule that "Science comes before [me]." I called him and we talked and we settled on meeting on Friday. Which we did. It was a lot of me crying and even more of him talking. I couldn't think. I could just think that he was going to leave me because of my Depression just like my other ex. I could just think that it was all my fault that only if I hadn't texted back that picture, if I had not cut myself, if I had not gotten mad at him...
We decided under his suggestion that we would be separated until his candidacy exam and that after everything had settled down, we could talk again. He said he was not going to leave me unless I left him.
Days later I decided to send him a few messages through Facebook (because if you are on Facebook, you must have time to spare), talking about how I felt about everything, how he hurt me because he didn't understand that cutting was my way of coping with Depression (I probably would have done it anyways even if we had not had an argument... It's like a time bomb), I tried to put myself in his shoes too, he has a lot of work from graduate school and I was second to his career (he would be too if I had hopes for a career), etc, and I told him to reread carefully the messages and that we would talk after his exam (so he wouldn't have the stress of it on his shoulders and we could communicate better).
He had just woken up and SKIMMED through the messages for like a minute (which everything I wrote it was impossible to read in a minute) and then texted me like 15 times that I was not his slave and that he wanted to break up. I called him once again and I explained things to him, or tried to because I'm too sensitive and I can't talk about this issue without crying. He promised he would reread them again carefully and reconsider but that he couldn't promise me anything that he would like for us to be back together.
So now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to cope. All my aspirations, they are all gone because they were attached to him. He is my inspiration and my motivation. It sounds silly but... I just don't know what to do and my depression won't just go away either. I'm not cutting anymore, I told him I'd do my best not to do it anymore, but I wish he could be more sensitive to it and instead of saying that I'm blackmailing him, think that he could possibly help me stop cutting. I don't know, I wish he would be more supportive, in a way. But at the same time I don't blame him because he has a lot of work... But when I think about it, if he decided to have a girlfriend, then he has to have some extra time. I just keep blaming everything on myself. Maybe everything would be better if I had not cut myself, at least, or if I did not have anxiety, if I did not have Depression... I'm just grieving because I really gave myself to him and I still continue to do so.
TL;DR: Sorry for the wall of text I just want to explain everything well and not make my (ex)boyfriend look like a complete ***.