You've twice said in recent posts that you don't know why you are bothered about something. Do you see an individual counselor?
Here are my thoughts on your points, fwiw:
1. I am not seeing why comparisons of different people matter. I wonder if this line of discussion could just be ended on both sides.
2. She could well hold on to the cousin aspect of the guy if she grew up with him. Although not blood related, if I understand you correctly he was stepson to the uncle that you said was a great man. What is her extended family like generally?
3. She has not forgiven herself for sleeping with him perhaps 20 years ago?
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or maybe I have a problem that she views it as a "decision" instead of sex.
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Could you say more about this problem? This also is another point that could usefully be discussed with an individual counselor.