No, it's not like that anymore. Rather it's just bad choices and luck for this part recently. Not that, I used to sought that stuff out of the crazy girls finding out it was more than expected. Unfortunately you see the results I've mentioned earlier.

The sub conscious reason is not what I expected to be I fixed the behavior after my last moment with my last gf. I had hooked up with a friend 3 weeks later and she and I are tight friends, but it was obvious what I needed to do to heal. Just stop, no more girls, no more love, just keep the distance, I'm addicted to the situations and highs and lows. I needed no more of that, I haven't dated for a very long time. I'm proud of myself, I appreciate a woman who treats me right I've learned I've not going to date anyone. I want someone to be worthy and I may never ever have that person find me and I may die without them ever in my life, but that's ok. I don't need anyone, I'm just a love addict and grieving the fact. I lost my grandmother, my daughter, and the feeling, of just letting go the shoulda coulda woulda, which I am doing great on, but the pain won't ever go away. I have to accept that, I live my whole life knowing, I don't want to be a woman, as my previous dreams of being one and transitioning, I feel I'm happy the way I am and one day have kids or adopt. I feel, that if I'm a single parent or just a parent in one day. I don't want marriage, I'm not going to be ready for that commitment, I'm going to commit to someone, but not like that. They have to respect my wish for anything to go forward. I don't pull all the strings, but they must maintain my respect and if they give me the same wish for them. That's all I want, the highs would be much more emotionally freeing how I feel that someone won't leave me like many people have before my friends, family and people who said they loved me and never did.

I grew up, feeling unloved so receiving and accepting it is very difficult internally, but giving it is easy and I mean truly receiving it and letting it not consume me but make me happy that someone cares.

I'm getting better effectively reaching that alone, I had one female friend who I would love this way for, but she doesn't like me that way. It feels uncomfortable, but I still don't know if I ever want to date again. I'm so young, but I'd rather never want to think about it.

I'm sick of women always having the power as in from their perspective they have to make the moves and for being sensitive. Why I'm just the same way and when I act that way. I'm called out as a weakling a ***** and *****... So instead, I hide myself, I hide my feelings now, I became what I dread of becoming not out of choice because I wanted to, but I had to just to survive where I live.

Everyone will eat you alive your guy friends gf's and people you date and love and your family.

You can't show any weakness. They don't like it when you show feelings.

Rather I hate being human, this diconnectedness had drove me to the point of no return.

Growing up letting my emotions rule me almost got me killed too many times and I still live with it.

Rather I don't find these women I meet who are abusive and neglect attractive at all. I'm used to the abuse out of normalcy and rather I don't know where or who to show me something better. Yes I believe I deserve better and the best for me, and whatever that looks like I'm happy with that.

I really feel, that she would come into my life the right time available when I'm not wanting to get close to anyone and she would fight her way in to get me to love myself and accept the fact she loves me.

It sounds so stupid and unlikely, but I dream of that stuff all the time in person. That I connect once before I die that's all my dreams of living are. Rather I'd run far away from this life if I have to get what I need.

I've learned in my youth that growing up should never be your plan in life, that being young not immature, but free emotionally will make life super easy. That you never need anyone and you see the world in a way I never had before, but I can't describe how amazing it is. My life to others on the outside s... to some degree, but I don't care. I accept my situation and enjoy it. I cry when I'm truly hurting and hide it all when I want no one knowing me.

I'm mysterious like that, because I like coming off that way and just minding my own.

I feel I'll attract the right people who are curious and like minded as me just being the best me.