What now eats me up is the lack of self responsibility of others or accountability for our own faults?

I say stupid things and **** up a lot. I am ok though, I don't hate me anymore for it. I rather say I did it again.. oh well, but I learn from the most important things and move on as much as I can.

I hate the people I dated never did, they never ever learned or chose to change themselves. It was always me.

I never cheated. I said white lies and huge lies, but I told them the truth quickly as I could, hoping they trust me back, but no they got ignorant and called me out on things they assumed because they think what society thinks is what everyone thinks because they are more worried about their own reputation image and self identity than their self worth, self respect as a person, they only respect how others perceieve them online or acquaintances not really how they should see their inner beauty.

that's what gets me liking girls, I see more than the shell.

But I stay quiet on that a lot, I don't trust people. talking like that before got me where I'm at now.

So I have to be cold, cruel and mean as in I say no. Even if I badly want to meet them, I have to say no every time. I'm not ready and need to love myself.

3 long years and nothing has changed, but the maturity and self happiness is coming out more now from within me, but I'm just as lonely now as I was then.

That living your whole life getting nothing but just the hell you've been born in then you're given something worth while you don't want it to experience the spoilage and you push it away before things get sour, because you don't want to hurt them more then you did now.

I'm not altruistic in this, and it's purely selfish, but I'm in too much pain to love they have to prove it or I won't say yes period.

I'm a very tough catch and a very tough person to get to date. Now from being very easy pickings.

I rather be a lustful object for attention, but keep them at bay for what I truly am. Like those girls you see on instagram or girls who do modeling and the attention they get shows their character more than their body image. People look at the book and judge the hell out of it. Especially me, everyone judges me as something much more sadistic and negative and intentionally I stir it up to get them out of my loop. So they don't get close, and it makes me laugh how foolish everyone is, but there are few who catch on and I love them for seeing the real me.

I like me, but I portray myself how I want to be on the outside and inside and I still work hard to grow.

I will probably one may end up committing suicide if it starts crashing down. It's a fact, I'll face, but whether it ends that way or not. I'll say I'm happy for sure before anything happens many years down the road.