I was the valedictorian of my high school and was accepted to U of Chicago, U of Pennsylvania, Brown, Duke, Columbia, Cornell, and multiple University of California campuses. I knew I was sick during high school, but it became worse towards the end of my freshman year at a UC campus. I managed to keep up the straight As throughout my sophomore year and through the first part of my junior year. Despite extended periods of severe depression, the hypomanic episodes kept me at the top of my class. I did not need to sleep, and I hardly needed to study at all. My mind grabbed information and made connections far before anyone else could.

I had a mixed episode followed by a depressive episode so intense that I have no memory of a few weeks. I ended up getting an F in a class I was first in, because I didn't have the sanity to go to the final exam, and a C+ in another class, even though I can't remember taking the exam. A gp at the university medical center pulled me out of school after one of my housemates dragged me in. I was hospitalized for a psychotic mixed episode during the summer and wanted to kill myself by fall. I tried and failed. But I knew I was fine and tried going back to school when it started again. I was pulled from school two weeks before classes ended. I tried going back in the spring and made it two weeks before realizing that I was completely manic and would never make it through my classes without crashing. So I pulled myself out. I needed to get control of the BD before going back.

I'll be 24 in exactly a month. I'm not in school, I don't have a job, and I've isolated myself from, or alienated, nearly all of my friends.

BUT...

I'm only 24. Things aren't hopeless, even though I tell myself they are. And I tell myself that a lot. I try to be forgiving with myself, and I try to understand that my life isn't going to turn out the way I thought it would. I'm going take far longer to get what I want than other people my age will, and I have to accept that. Some of my dreams have to die, too, but I can make other ones.

I can't write well anymore, my thoughts aren't as coherent as they used to be, and I certainly can't concentrate for very long. I know finishing undergrad is going to be a big challenge for me, but I'm going to do it eventually. That may mean I have to attend school for a year at a time, taking time off if I feel I have to. There are a lot of resources for mentally ill students, and I have a better understanding of myself and my illness now than I did four years ago. I'll figure out a way to do it, even if it's unconventional.

One of my close friends didn't finish college until she was nearly thirty. Now she has a very, very good job that pays a very high salary. She has intense bouts of depression and was following her military husband around the country, so she had to take a few classes whenever she was capable of it. Maybe you could try taking one class at a community college just to see if you can handle the course load and regain confidence in your ability to succeed academically. Then you could add more classes later on. You can usually transfer to a four-year university after you've finished two years at community, if you'd be interested in that. While you might not be able to become a vet, you could study a related field and help animals that way. In the meantime, you could volunteer at an animal shelter or something like that.