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To expand on the "decision" comment I am not a fan of her treating what happened between them like they just sat on the couch and had a conversation. For me sex is a big deal and not just a casual encounter that is shrugged off as nothing.
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That is how it is for you. But can you see that it might be different for someone else? Like, say, a teenage girl whose teenage-level judgment was severely impaired at the time?
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He divorced this guy's mom more than 10 years ago.
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How long were they married?
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My wife keeps talking about her past decisions........I think I am starting to see that I am disappointed with her current decisions.
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This is a useful insight. Focusing on the present is more productive than focusing on what happened in the past. Suppose she never had had sex with him. I gather that you would still think that he is a dirt bag--based on how he behaves now and in the recent past.
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He might have been good to her when they were 5 or 6
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Do not minimize this, or the importance of the family connection. Although he is not blood-related, it sounds like to her it feels like he is. Attacks on family members can feel like attacks on self, so be aware that she herself might be feeling attacked when you attack him.