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Originally Posted by Bex_1979
My wonderful Dad died last June. He struggled with an 8 month battle with stomach cancer, in which he was a healthy man up until he was diagnosed. When he was diagnosed he was told that it was terminal, but he wanted so much to beat it. He underwent chemo which left him so ill, but he chose to put himself through it anyway. My dad was my soulmate, and loved his grandchildren, my little boy and girl so much. He wanted to see them grow. He was only 59 when he passed. Yesterday would have been his 60th birthday.
I still struggle with his death on a daily basis. I miss him being here, chatting to him, laughing with him, hugging him, which is all normal things of grieving I guess. But I am finding it hard to deal with how he died. He spent over two weeks in a hospice, and he never talked about the fact that he was dying. Even though we all knew he was. So we never brought it up. When he was able to speak, which wasnt much towards the end due to all the pain relief and anti-sickness medication, he just talked about everyday things, like nothing was wrong. Before we knew it the doctor was telling us he only had a few hours left.
And that is what I still struggle with to this day, how my dad died. Nobody told me what it would be like, I read leaflets, looked online about the dying process, but nothing I read was how it really was. I guess dying from cancer is different to other deaths. But I just cant erase the memory of his passing from my mind, and it still hurts me like it happened yesterday.
I want to move on from this and accept the way he died. I feel like until I am able to understand the way he passed away, I cant move on.
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Bex, your story sounds so much like my own!
My father too died of cancer, he was ill for 12 months and also was told that he had about 3 months to live when it was diagnosed, and he was 58 when he died. How old are you now`? I was 21 at that time
"He spent over two weeks in a hospice, and he never talked about the fact that he was dying. Even though we all knew he was. So we never brought it up. When he was able to speak, which wasnt much towards the end due to all the pain relief and anti-sickness medication, he just talked about everyday things, like nothing was wrong."
This was exactly what it was like with my dad too, only he was at a palliative care- station.
My father, and I am guessing yours too wasnīt able to accept his own death which is why he wasnīt able to talk about it.
This is different for every person and how one will want to act at the end of life is every personīs own choice and I guess we have to accept that.
What would have been good for you, is if your father would have been able to accept his death, be at peace with it, and also be able to say his goodbyes to you.
It is much more easy for a person to accept a loved-oneīs death if the love-one himself is able to accept it and be at peace with it.
Try picturing your father in a different way, at peace with his life and what he is leaving behind and accepting of his own death, talking about it and saying that he loved you and goodbye to you. I was told to do it in therapy, maybe the thought alone will help you.
You say that his death was nothing like your read about, what do you mean exactly by that? I think I know what you mean, but if you can, try to explain.
Finally, I think it would be very good for you to consider talking to someone who can help. Iīm thinking that a therapist specialized on cancer would be better than a grief counceler, because, as you say, I think what is more difficult for you is the WAY your father died, not just him being gone at all.
O and if you want to talk in private about your experience, send me a PM,
I think it can be very helpful to hear that your experience isnīt out of the ordinary but others have lived through it too.