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Originally Posted by The Skeezyks
Hello sadpanda808: I'm not supposed to be posting in the women's forum. So I apologize in advance. However, your Thread is so close to my heart, I feel that I must reply.
I'm so sorry you have run into this difficulty. Before I comment further, I want to just tell you a couple of things about me so you have some idea of where my thoughts are coming from. I'm in my mid 60's. I have been transgender all of my life. Although I am biologically male, I always felt as though, inside, I was female. However, I never did anything about it such as going on hormones or having gender reassignment surgery. I have lived a largely male life. In fact, I managed to keep my transgender psyche a closely guarded secret until just a few years ago.
Obviously your boyfriend has a problem... actually maybe several problems. And cross-dressing is not necessarily one of them. Many people enjoy dressing in the clothes of the opposite gender. There have been times in my life when it was the only thing that kept me marginally sane. The problem your bf has, I think, is he doesn't appear to know what is motivating him to do this &, most importantly, he appears to be embarrassed & confused by it. I'm pleased to hear he is seeing a therapist. This is important. I do hope the therapist he is seeing has experience working with individuals who have gender-identity issues. From what you wrote, it sounds as though the T your bf is seeing is on the right track.
The other problem, however, is your bf's involvement with uploading pictures onto the internet of himself cross-dressed & his persistent lying to you about the whole thing. Perhaps it is because of my age, but it strikes me that uploading all of these pictures onto the internet is a much more troublesome issue than is cross-dressing. I don't think I can even speculate with regard to what the motivation is there. This is something for your bf & his T to figure out. As far as the lying goes, this may simply be because of his embarrassment & confusion. But it does suggest he is not above deceiving you in order to be able to protect himself. (Most of us "gender-confused" types develop this propensity.) The chances are, I would say, he's likely to do it again in the future if circumstances warrant.
My experience tells me that gender-identity issues are, by-&-large, tenacious. (Mine certainly has been. I always hoped that, as I aged, my gender-identity issues would fade. They have not. In fact, they have become even more overwhelming as I have aged. And I have read that this is not unexpected.) Other kinds of gender-identity issues, such as cross-dressing I believe tend to be similarly tenacious. So, even if your bf & his T are able to sort out why your bf is doing what he is doing, this is unlikely to mean your bf will stop doing it. What it means is he will better understand what it is that motivates him to do it. He may also learn ways in which he can satisfy his compulsions in a safe manner, which is important.
If in the end, your bf should conclude he is transsexual, it's possible he may decide to undertake some sort of transition. On the other hand, if he concludes he falls somewhere else on the gender-identity rainbow (there are many resting places & many labels) he may decide that he must follow some other path besides the traditional male one. What pathway that may be remains to be seen.
So what does this all mean to you? Well, I don't know. And, to some extent that is the point. No one knows. So, if you intend to stay with your bf, you are going to have to be both flexible & forgiving for some time to come while your bf & his T figure out what's going on. And there's no guarantee where it will all end up. So, from my perspective, what you must figure out is whether or not, & to what extent, you are up for going along on this journey. It could be exciting & have a happy ending. Or, in the end, you could be left with a handful of nothing.
So these are my thoughts at this point. I would be glad to correspond further with you either here in the forums or via private message, should you wish to. I wish you all the best as you continue to struggle with this dilemma.   |
Thank you Skeezyks for your answer! It helps, I relate well to the woman who posted the question. I am married to a man who is a cross-dresser and bi-sexual, however, it took a lot of patience and crying and even a little yelling to get the information. I will give a little of my story.
I travelled on occasion for business so it wasn't unusual for me to be gone for a few days at a time. My self esteem isn't always perfect so I worried that my younger husband may have been cheating. I had found dating sites, texts, pics etc also. Called him on it and he told me I knew where the door was. It hurt but I decided to try to work it out. After a couple of years you want to at least try. In any case, I came home early and he ran around taking trash out etc. Since this wasn't a typical move I checked it and found an outfit package in the trash. I cried and couldn't understand how he could cheat on me. Asked him how long it had been going on because you don't buy those types of things for random people. He told me it wasn't what I thought it was and I decided to give him a second chance. About a year later by accident I walked in while he was cross dressing and taking care of himself.
That's when I really yelled. I told him how dare he allow me to believe it was him cheating on me when it was just this. He knew my favorite movie is Rocky Horror, I am adventurous and not a prude. This was not a big deal for me at all. I was so pissed that he didn't tell me the truth. But I stopped and realized, that there is a stigma to it and he probably had been keeping the secret a very long time. So I asked. He said his mom knew but they had never talked about it, he had been doing it for years. I told him I was ok with it but no more hiding or lying. There haws still been some but I think as the gentlemen above stated, it's more about him feeling embarrassed or unsure so I don't yell anymore. He has actually allowed me to participate in his dressing only once so far but it went well.
I love my husband and he loves me, we made a decision to have an open marriage. I know I can utilize it myself but don't choose to. But it give him the permission he needed to be with another cross-dresser(same-sex) when he felt the need to. And it took a very long time for him to admit that he was bi as well. I have my own fetishes, and issues. But I do believe that in most cases you are born the way you are. Circumstances can alter how you deal with who you are, but in a relationship their has to be understanding and compromise. The choice is yours, you have to decide if whatever you find is something you can live with and I mean truly live with. Not tolerate and then get sulky or mad later. You have to accept them for who they are and love them for the same reason, even if you are not the only thing that they love or need.