I have a lot of inner anger against my mother and I wanted to write about it, so here it is.

My father died from cancer when I was 21 and after that I wanted to move away from home into another city for school.

My mother totally flipped out over that, got really mad and aggressive (she´s also an alcoholic) and basically told me,screamed at me that I couldn´t do it, I couldn´t live alone, I couldn´t manage without her. At that time I thought "what nonsense" really, and I told her I´d do it wether she liked it her not because I was an adult. She let me go but it was more like "whatever, you are on your own then, do whatever, go, I don´t care"

I moved away but felt no support from anywhere and I developed anxiety because I knew I had noone to fall back on, not my mother not my father or other family if anything went wrong. I also developed anorexia which got very bad and caused other physical problems for me so in the end I had to move back home to my mother again.

But by that time, she had already "moved on" from me, I think she had gotten "over" me, she had learned to be without me, to busy herself without me. I think she also still resented me because I had moved away from her.
I lived with her, but she always made me feel like an unwanted guest, not like her child, like she didn´t want me around.

I´d have liked to move away from her, and also her drinking, but the anxiety and other mental health issues made it impossible for me to study and work enough to afford my own place (I studied at the local university then). I tried anyway, but it only made all the mental issues worse so in the end I couldn´t do anything anymore and I went to a psych. clinic.

Even at my worst mental state, she completely ignored me, she never asked how I was or talked to me. When I went to the clinic, she acted as if I went on vacation or something.

I really want to get away from her but with the anxiety, insomnia etc it´s difficult to work enough so that I can afford it...
Which is why I have been thinking about medication lately, so that maybe I could.

I think I just wanted to write that out...
I know that other people have much much worse parents than me, that are really abusive in other ways... but this is how I feel and I know I am entitled to feel that (I´m also in therapy, where I learned that )