Justy, can I make a suggestion? Throw out the laxitives. And if you buy more, throw them away as soon as you can get the thought back that you can't have these in your house. Or better yet, flush them down the toilet, so you are not tempted to retrieve them from the trash (I know all about doing that). You wouldn't expect an alcoholic to be able to handle having bottles of liquor in her house, right? You can think of this the same way.

Justy, you are *NOT* a ****-up. You have an illness, and right now, you are stuggling to find some healing for that illness, but it's a big, nasty disease that you are fighting with. You've taken a lot of positive steps in going to the doctor, and letting them know what's going on. I know sometimes the struggle seems like more than you can handle, but I also know that you can make it, and that you want to make it...I can tell when you talk about your kids, and how you want to make them happy, and give them a good life, that you want to be around for them for a long time. So, when you think you can't make it, just remember that mj says you can, ok?

Now one more challenge for you...you need to stop calling yourself a ****-up. It is absolutely not true!!! It is what this awful disease does...first, it convinces you to do these things that hurt your precious body, then it makes you beat yourself up about doing it, so you end up convincing yourself that you deserve that kind of awful treatment. So I'd like you to try something...it's going to feel awkward at first, but keep doing it, and it will get more natural with time. Every day, I want you to stand in front of a mirror and say out loud to yourself, "I am a valuable person, and a strong woman. I love myself and I treat my body with the respect it deserves." I know you probably don't feel any of those things right now, but that doesn't matter. Say them out loud to yourself every day, and as odd as this sounds, it starts leaking into your head. So give it a try...what do you have to lose, right?

I hope today is a better one for you.

*hugs*
mj