I hit a big trigger this week. It started with my cat who was diagnosed with asthma. My boyfriend's family was thinking about adopting a cat and wanted to see how their dog would handle a cat, but I told him I don't want my cat over there because his mom smokes in the house. I had a revelation, if I would do that for my cat, why am I not doing that for me? I have asthma and it is not healthy. i was mad at myself, thinking how could I do that to myself?

*****Trigger warning ******

My head was spinning with being angry that I was no better than my parents. I was thinking about how when I was younger and sick, couldn't breathe on vacation, how my dad was smoking in the hotel room. Even that young, I remember thinking, why is he smoking? because I knew it wasn't good for me. And when I got older how my asthma got worse and he continued smoking in the house. The fact that my mom hardly tried to change that. She told me that she asked him to smoke outside, that she had tried, but he said no. How I used to fear that I was dying or that I had gotten lung cancer. How in school there was a demonstration on how dangerous second hand smoke was and how it affects you.

I called my boyfriend and told him my decision and he understood but is having trouble adjusting to it. We started talking about children and I said if we ever have kids, the fact both of us have had asthma at some point, means that our child would most likely have it and I would want to keep them away from smoking homes and smoke. My boyfriend was upset because he was worried his mom would never see the baby even though I mentioned the fact that we could meet outside of her home.

We kept discussing and my emotions went up. At one point I was really emotional and practically crying while talking. I know I was there hearing everything while I said it, but afterward I could not remember what I said except for "I know what it is like when people don't give a crap about you." There was a huge blank and for some reason I found it kind of amusing. That line was bold as day in my head, but for the life of me I couldn't remember the rest of what I said. I guess it was something along the lines of I am not going to put a child through what I went through.

*******Trigger Warning End**********

I have calmed down quite a bit and shared it with my therapist. We are going to start focusing on memories and such to do with the line I remember saying.

She also had a theory on why I don't remember things about my childhood with family stuff. Like how I cannot remember what family dinners were like (except the few bad memories), or birthdays or holidays. That maybe since I didn't feel like I belonged or whatnot that I learned to dissociate during times like dinner.

I forgot to mention to my therapist, but I was doing some left hand right hand asking the part that was triggered about it (the terrified/invisible one) and after a few questions I heard another part/voice interrupt and say, "This is stupid." It was the angry one. Tried to talk to them, and then go back to the terrified/invisible one, but I heard the angry one say, this is stupid, again.