I'm having a depression episode right now. I've started seeing a T and psychiatrist this year and I've recently started meds for the past 3 weeks. I'm on Wellbutrin and Trazodone but I don't take Trazodone every night. I take it when I need it to help me to go to sleep. I've been fairly ok for the past three weeks. I've started noticing differences once I was on Wellbutrin and I've been doing better I suppose. I haven't even cut for about two weeks now which my T and psychiatrist are hopeful about. I've been trying to take each day one at a time the past couple of weeks and it has been somewhat working to an extent.

Ok so here I am...Today, I found myself searching online about certain things and reading articles and shared stories. "I always see myself as a disappointment." "I don't value my own life/well being." Next thing you know, I find myself spiraling down all over again right now. So many thoughts start come crashing into my mind. "That's right...I've always been disappointing to myself and everyone else. I don't value myself. No one really likes me. Sure my T and psychiatrist say they do but they have to say that and my family doesn't count. I don't care about myself if something were to happen. Why did I think things would ever change? etc..." Next thing you know, I'm having my regular thoughts and visualizations of suicide again. So I do what I've been doing for the past month, I go outside and take my dog on a walk...but I still feel the same right now.

I think about the future and it's so grim and miserable. I don't see any kind of future for me that will give me any happiness. One of the pursuits of happiness in life is to seek a partner where you can have children and build a family right? Or even finding a career where you can be successful. I don't ever see me doing or accomplishing that. I'm turning 26 and I've never had a real relationship ever. Not one. Never even kissed a girl before nor hugged in an intimate way. Why would that change now? I'm still trying to earn my first bachelor's degree after 7-8 years. It's just pathetic. What would make me think that I would do any better after school career wise if/when I finally get my degree? It is true. I am a huge disappointment. I know that. I know and can tell that's what my parents think, probably even my brother too. The worst disappointment of all disappointments. I'm sad and feel sorry for my parents who had to have me as their child. I wish they had a different child who was better and could live up to their expectations. A child who they could have been proud of. If I had a option to allow another soul to take my place instead of me before I was born, I would. I should just disappear so I stop wasting everyone's precious resources, energy and time...

I'm sitting hear with tears. I have suicidal thoughts. I feel suicidal at this very moment. I want to yell, scream, and cry but I can't even do that with no privacy here. Guess I will go somewhere to hide and cut myself and see where I take it from there...who knows...

edit: Is it expected that I still feel like this sometimes even on meds? I've also been thinking...sure meds make me feel better...but surely having to resort to meds to make me feel another way in order to help me to want to live can't possibly be actually "living". What's the purpose of me living then?