It's what I show face value. I see what she may do the same thing. She wants a wall like I do despite personal feelings of these powerful emotions I feel and she don't.

Yes, I was trying to relate. It's nice for me to see I don't say these things all by myself. Yes I have feelings everyone does, I went overboard in my description of that, but how I react is no emotion. I'm numb from the pain and so I push others. Thank you for seeking out my discrepancies and showing my irregularity proving to me obviously you care about me and anyone else who is struggling, but for my situation. I am happy you care, but take note. I'm very aware of course and I do know better rather. I use this place to vent. Being very lonely place I am forced in, and even though my efforts don't help and make things worse. I do it, because the feeling of having someone show up in my life would be much harder than me being alone regardless if they were good to me or not.

I hope the OP finds this helpful in her or his issues no this. Rather it's hell, truly is a difficult life you have to lead when your heart is closed not by your own choice alone but also including many traumas that repeatedly or frequently ultimately defeat the purpose over time to receive love and acceptance by people who truly care when they show up in your life. You end up having little to no appreciation, and it hurts so much they don't know you that well and show they have no desire despite how long you tried attempts to go further as only close friends in the conversations and the comfort of feeling accepted instead of being long time aquaintances.

Almost all my relationships are not even close. I feel I may not know some people be closer to me than I am with them, and I feel horrible and rather I think about these things for their own good and especially my own because they see potential and worry about my well being. Currently struggling with suicide deep down accepting some horrible things in my life, but yes I came to the same conclusions and did the same actions like the poster did. I still do, even if it may not be the best choice. It's giving me the ability of self discipline and control and that I don't let others control me, because I open my big mouth and try to make my way barging into other relationships or unintentionally put a incorrect outward perception of myself towards others based off of things and I caused this madness to start the only way is.

Not give in to what they say anymore, stick up for yourself, if you have to push people away and potential immediate fun and happiness sure why not, but what's worth it. That you have yourself in check and in balance and you need no reliance on others for their love acceptance and approval for your own happiness. I maybe a little skewed, but that's my experience with that.

It's harder to be in a relationship and invest energy into others friends dates so on that it is for just being alone and doing what you do for you what makes you happy. Rather I'm happy it puts a no bs policy that people who come into my life expect to be dropped on a hat immediately if they push me around or be too negative. They might not like it, but I'm tired of being used manipulated and put in places where others take advantage of me. Whether it was my sexual abuse, physical abuse to my manipulations of me having feelings for some girl or having my needs neglected and ignored emotionally because they were scared or didn't feel like it.

It gave me the vibe that, they don't care and it's easier for them to not care. So why should I?