I decided to make a session with my old T for a last session. I haven't seen her since January because I went inpatient and was forced to go to a new T after getting out. Once I turned 18 I decided that I have the right to see her one more time and I am okay with starting with someone new. I feel a little sad about this session, but at the same time I am indifferent. She is just a professional, and yes, I had a special type of relationship with her, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. I probably will keep in contact with her with emails 1-2x a year. Sometimes I wish that I could be friends with her, but she's 50 and even though I have a few close friends in her age group or higher, I doubt she would want to be friends. Plus, my mom isn't fond of her at all, like I could say it is close to hating.

I don't know I am having such mixed emotions about this transition that it is making me feel numb. It will probably hit me in our session Monday and I can see myself crying, and I have never cried in front of her. I can also see myself acting like life is awesome and I am doing great transitioning to this new, naive and annoying T. I really hope she gives me a long hug. I had a dream that we were having our session and she taught me how to dance (I have no idea why because I am a decent dancer lol), gave me a long hug, and kissed my forehead. We drew, she gave me her number so that we could keep in light contact, and we went for a small walk. This dream felt so real, it was weird, but I loved it. She would never do any of those except a quick hug and I would never want those things to happen, but the dream was nice and it actually helped me heal. I am just worried that this session will leave me empty, or won't fulfill me. I don't really know what I am looking for, but I just want a genuine good-bye, because I have never been able to have one in my life. I don't know where I am going with this thread, I just need to let this out because my mind needed to organize itself.

If anyone wants to share their stories of leaving a T, I would appreciate it.

Thanks for reading.