My mother is dead. I had many issues with her yet I was there when she died. She was not abandoned like rubbish and left alone to die. I cried for her after she died. My father has passed away too as is my sister. My sister is the only person who would have an understanding of what I'm feeling and saying. She knew how manipulative my mother was not to mention cold and abusive.

I feel in a panic tonight. I have just had my checkup with the doctor and she asked me if I had an Advance Directive which is your wishes how you wish to be taken care of, resuscitated or not etc. I need to complete one but I never worried before - I wanted to believe my children would be with me and that they loved me enough to help me, to make choices if I couldn't and now they are gone. My worst fear has been to die alone. I would like to leave this life now, I truly would but I will not kill myself my religion prohibits me from doing so but i wish more than anything else in this world to be off this horrible roller coaster ride.

I think it is beyond cruel that the love withheld from me as a child will be withheld from me forever. There is no language that can properly convey the degree of my despair, pain and anguish, my sorrow, my longing, my need to feel someone touch me. I have tried the British "stiff upper lip" and for a while I suppose it helped but now I am older and death is a reality i must face alone. This life has been a nightmare with a few bits of joy when my children were little scattered here and there. The above scenario is a very accurate analogy of how I feel. How I wish I had never been born, I have wished so before that I would have been another of my mother's miscarriages. I was the only pregnancy she ever had that did not end in miscarriage - I wish the same had been for me so that this entire nightmare, this pain and suffering alone without a soul to hear me or see me or touch me with kindness, would never have occurred.

I think I can't do this anymore but I cannot escape my body or my mind. I thought those same thoughts during the terrible long lonely painful ordeal while I gave birth to my children without a soul then to comfort me either. But then the pain did end and at least I had my baby to show for it. I was younger with more endurance and now all I am is old and frightened and painfully alone. I can think of nothing else but what a miserable failure my life has been and that when I die my children will remember me with loathing and disgust and be glad I am gone. No one knows who I am inside, no one will know my tender, raw, wounded, loving heart and no one ever will. This life has been torture for me. I want it to end even while I fear and dread it: alone without a friend to speak for me and ALWAYS & FOREVER VOICELESS.