My husband and I have been married for 17 years. Things have always been tense, for one reason or another. But recently it's become much more so. My husband has flown into very heated and hateful angry rants every couple weeks and I'm am struggling to deal with some of his comments. I will preface this by saying that several of his rampages were made worse by alcohol but todays' blow up did not involve alcohol.

I was married before but I lost my husband is 1995, I have 2 children from that marriage. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since his death. 2 years after his death, I met my current husband. We were both young when we got married, I was 21 and he was 19. Neither of us had the opportunity to experience adulthood without the responsibility of marriage and family. I am ok with this but he's recently revealed that he resents "knocking me up" and getting married so young. He feels that I smother him and I'm unsupportive of his desire to be more social. I have serious social anxiety and I have no real friends as a result. I don't exactly why I freak out when I'm in public, I believe part of it is that I am embarrassed by the way I look. But I never knew that my desire to be "homebody" was such an issue for my husband. Today he called me a recluse, and it hurt. Yes it's the truth but it still hurt. He says I keep him from his friends and fun things he wants to do. He says he always has to conform to what I want, of course I don't see it that way. He has friends over often. But I have to get up at 4am for work so I do request that his friends don't stay late (I find it ackward to go to bed when company is here). But I didn't think I kept him from his friends, in fact I feel that he has more "freedom" than I do.

This is just one of the many topics that come up often in our arguments. I know that I am at fault for 99% of the problems we have, no matter what I do or say I am wrong. He will never admit that he is part of the problem so of course I am the one who always apologizes and tries to smooth things over. But I'm exhausted and I just think I can take much more.

Our boys are 22-14 (only our 16 and 14 year old live at home). The two boys at home have seen far more anger and hate than I ever wanted. But I stay because I love my husband and I don't want to be alone. I am a clusterf*** of emotions and I just don't know how to process it all.

Is there anyone out there with similar issues? Please, I need to know that I'm not alone.