Hi Absurdblackbear. I have just read your post and you have been able to put in words exactly how I feel. So it was sort of a revelation for me.

I know so well what you describe. Sucks doesn't it?

All I can tell myself is that this will pass and there will be brighter days and in the meantime I try to do mindfulness, sit outside and listen to the birds, feel the wind / sun on my face, make myself walk my dogs (don't know what I'd do without them), look out recipes and cook myself feasts.

I would rather just disappear, but know that might be a mistake, how will I never know how good things could be unless I stick around to find out.

In terms of hospital, I avoid them at all costs and the threat of them is enough to allow that small bit of my safe brain to remain strong. But if safety is an issue then they are a good thing until you can take back that responsibility yourself.

Not sure if you take meds? But hospital may be good to get any sorted out to help you.

Oh yes, and I come on here I spend time in the games / arcade and get really focused on one or two games in there, challenging myself to get high scores (ssshhhh, but I even got a higher score than Docjohn on one )

This isn't making light of how you feel. I know how very difficult it is, but somehow me have to muddle through until the storm passes and not let it take us with it.

Take care Soup