Though I've heard this from a few different sources, there is that saying that, People who have an answer to "why" they're alive, can live with any "how." It could be something as spiritual as God/religion or as worldly as maximizing their sensory pleasure. Some say their children are their lives and they are the reason they put up with a lot of difficulties in life. For some it's their work.

From time to time I've worked on "meaning" with my therapists but was never able to make any sense of things. Having lost my religious faith some years ago, I never found a replacement. Neither in "actualize your potential" nor in the more random "your meaning can be whatever you want it to be." BS! I can't consciously decide that X must now give my life meaning; it has to be doing so, already. There has to be a deep powerful connection already, the way religious faith used to be.

Today when I came back from mom and dad's, the depression hit me hard. It's the realization that nothing changes, nobody changes, history repeat, people repeat, same looks, same discussions, same hostilities, same shortcomings....I haven't been able to change myself nor others in ways to bring about what I wanted, which was a happy healthy family. That is what made my life meaningful when I was younger. Or the idea of a happy healthy family. The potential for a happy healthy family. My life outside was filled with bullies, crazy teachers, fears of all sorts. I needed a safe loving place. I needed something to hold on to when all else got bad. It was God. Then it was my family. When I got too much suffering, I lost connection to God. When my sister was hospitalized, and my parents mistreated her, I lost the idea of happy healthy family. We had been unhappy for a long time, had health problems, but that was the nail in the coffin.

My therapist said your sister won't be the same, your parents are older and will die one day perhaps soon, you have to do things for yourself, make life on your own before it's too late. She said you have to grieve these losses first. But God knows I grieved, I cried, I wrote poetry, I looked at pictures, but something is missing. Something keeps pulling me back and doesn't let me move on. A single call from mom about my sister's condition (even if nothing emergency) screws me up for weeks. At times I won't even answer the call, walk around with fear and guilt.

So today I thought maybe it's my life that's meaningless. That I need to find meaning some other ways. In some powerful ways. Almost like a scientist who is about to discover something huge, like cure to heart disease. Or someone who can bring peace to Middle-East. I need some huge purpose, something so powerful. Like as if God spoke to me in person. Something so powerful that will make everything else look unimportant in comparison.

I was once watching one of those medical reality shows and an ER surgeon was talking about how his wife passed away a few months ago when she was run over by a drunk driver, that his wife was his everything, but that he had to eventually come back to work because "we're saving lives here, I have a duty to my patients." I need something like that.

Sorry if my post is stupid, I'm having a bad day, I have very few people in my life with whom I can talk about these things and feel lonely tonight and had to share this....