Hi. I can relate to your existential crises. Some of your diagnoses match issues that have been noted on my medical record, as well. There is a lot of pain. I understand. I chose to pick away at some of those social and interpersonal and emotional problems, to gradually resolve them. I'm 30 years older than you, and it was many painful years. Now with the Internet many more resources are available, and it wouldn't take me as long if I were starting now, so you have that advantage. All I could do was soldier on and keep trying.

What is meaningful in life? I still don't know, but there are a few things I think are of value - science, social justice, some art, communication skills, conservation, meditation, cuisine, agriculture, gardening . . . I suppose I could go on. I have found things that bring me moments of joy. I like understanding things, even if I can only understand tiny bits in the grand scheme.

I do feel your pain, and when things get dark, or I feel in danger, often I just think, "Oh, is it the end? Finally, relief?" So, despite the moments of joy, the despair comes easily as well. I found meditation very valuable to helping me feel more at peace and also to be more aware of the diversity of things in life.

I wish I could say something helpful. I hope you can find some relief.