I feel ashamed and broken; please help me.

In the span of a month I've lost a lot. My long term relationship is over, I left a job I loved for a (more intense and stressful one) because I wasn't making enough to live, and my relationships with my parents and siblings are dead.

My ex and I were engaged and I sort of indirectly ended it through behavior then he made it official. He'd broken my trust a few times and I never got over it. He made the choice I wasn't brave enough to but I'm hurting because he was significantly older than me and was in some ways more than a lover - like a parental figure. He taught me to drive, edited my research for school and work, coached me, encouraged me to love myself and helped me discover more about myself sexually. I feel like someone died and now I fantasize about death. I know it's shameful but the pain is that deep.

I don't know what to do. He said he'd remain my friend but knowing that he doesn't want me romantically is so painful. I keep calling him and he initially responded but now has stopped. I feel empty and alone.

Has anyone else been here, what should I do?