You know, I do something sort of similar in a lot of situations: I come up with a sort of escape hatch in case of the worst happening. Whether it's "if I can't manage to do this project at work, I can just quit" or "if this doesn't get better, I can kill myself" or "if I'm thin enough, this other thing doesn't matter" or even something as ridiculous as "if I get too scared at that event, I can pretend to be sick so that I can leave." (I used to show horses, and would plan how to fall off at every jump in order to be disqualified.)

Sometimes I think that it's a very, very unhealthy thing, especially the thoughts of suicide, but other times I think it's kinda adaptive. Like with the horse shows, once I knew how to fall off and make it look like an accident at every fence, I knew that I didn't have to finish the course, so the pressure was off. I didn't have to be perfect, and I didn't even have to finish. On the other hand, using suicide as a fall back escape hatch isn't a very good idea. Having something more productive is probably healthier. Since I don't really have anything else myself right now, I can't tell you what it might be.

As for the eating, that's a complicating factor. Personally, I don't think of my eating in terms of slow suicide, it seems as if it helps me avoid suicide somehow. Maybe because it makes me feel as if I'm still struggling on through it all? I don't know. What I do know, though, is that if you lose enough weight, you start to encounter cognitive difficulties that make it much harder to address other issues.

What forms of health care are available to you where you are? Is there a primary care physician near enough for you to try to coordinate some sort of care, maybe with input from specialists farther away? And what sort of work are you doing out there? (Sorry, I am nosy. And I always wish we were on that funny continent, so love to hear about it.)

I hope something in there helps. Feel free to PM me if you would rather.