Today is not a day of celebration for me, it marks the 1 year death anniversary of my abuser also know as my mother. I don't know how to feel, I am angry, sad, pissed, relieved and I miss her so much. I'm so confused right now, We were supposed to release balloons for my mom tonight and when I sent a message to my aunt to ask her what time everything was, she responded with "what do u mean everything?"

So I asked her if we were still going to let balloons go for mom and her response was "I don't want to make a sad and depressing day"

I was just thinking to myself... " Well guess what... Today is a sad and depressing day for me no matter what. I miss my mom, even though we didn't get along. I feel like everyone looks at me like I shouldn't be as sad or missing my mom like I am because we never got along while she was here.

A week before she passed away I was supposed to go spend some time with her so we could try to mend our relationship a little bit. I was so excited because this is what I had always wanted. Well before I could even get over to see her, the next day that we talked on the phone she started a fight with me.

I got so mad and upset that I didn't go watch her pass. My aunt and grandfather got mad at me and called me selfish and that I would end up regretting missing being by her side.

back to the message to my aunt... She asked who was coming with me and I said probably my mother-in-law because my husband has stomach issues and is pretty much homebound. And then I and Karma ( my blue nose pitbull) She sends me a message back saying No u can't bring the dog.

She has 2 dogs and my grandfather will have his 2 dogs there. I got so upset. Why the hell should I have to leave Karma home when my grandfather and his wife get to bring their dogs. I feel like she's just hating on my dog because she's not this little yappy mut.

PLUS my family has ALWAYS treated me as an outsider. With the abuse from my mom, the rest of the family was hard on me as well. They don't really care for my husband anyway and so I don't need to be around people like that.

Today also marks 10 years since I met my husband in a Yahoo chatroom. We were 17 and I wasn't supposed to be on the computer that day. 12 days later we were dating and it was a long distance phone relationship. We talked daily all day everyday. Then in October of 2005 I moved in with him and his mom. We got married April 17,2006

We have had our ups and downs but I wouldn't change anything because it has made our relationship a lot stronger. I had a tubal pregnancy in August of 06 and was told I can't have any kids naturally. So I have 3 pitbulls. Karma is my blue nose and then there's Katie and Katrina my reds.

Karma always goes over to my families houses with me and has always been welcome before. It made me so angry and upset that I just decided to stay home with my husband and cook dinner. I will release balloons for my mom here at home with my husband, mother-in-law and dogs.

I wanna feel happy today but it's been extremely hard. I just want to curl up into a hole and sleep the day away.