So a lot of you know about my T changing her boundaries... she knew crying was very hard for me in therapy, took me awhile to get there, and started occasionally sitting by me and letting me cry on her...she held me and made me feel like it was safe and ok to cry. She abruptly took it away. I didn't really notice till almost a month had passed, and I had some pretty rough sessions and she stayed planted in her chair. So I asked her. She said she wasn't going to sit by me anymore, that it was only temporary. I was very angry with her for not talking about it before or right when she started, because had I known, I wouldn't have wanted her to do it at all.

I just can't seem to shake my feelings of rejection and hopelessness. Like I'm repulsive. Angry with her for not even talking to me about it. Angry with her for doing it at a time she had major stress in her life, AND I had just disclosed some hard things. Of course, my thought was those things had something to do with her change of mind.

I now avoid hard sessions. I come up with something else to talk about that helps me avoid the painful topics, so I don't fight to NOT cry. I don't want to cry anymore. I hate feeling so alone when I cry. But feeling alone, in front of someone else, feels even worse. I'm afraid if we ever get to one of those sessions, I'll want to quit. Because I know what I'm missing out on. I feel dirty, undeserving, I can't even think of why this bothers me so much.

I spent two sessions (and countless Emails,) discussing this with her, and she was getting frustrated with me. She wanted me to drop it, because she felt that my arguing about this was just distracting both of us from more important things we should be working through. I tried to explain to her this WAS important. So, I quit trying to talk to her about it. It doesn't matter anyway, it won't take away what she did, or my feelings about it. But I wanted her to understand, so she wouldn't do it with someone else, just to rip it away when she sees fit.

Someone on the outside.... maybe you can help me understand why this bothers me so darn much. It's been like a month now since I asked her and she told me she took it away. I'm back to "therapy," but there's that elephant in the room. My trust is shaken, and it makes me think if this will even make my therapy affective anymore. If I can't move past this, I can't trust her completely again and feel open to talk about things. I avoid heavily emotional things....because I don't want to cry. What good is therapy then? I really do like my T a lot, and I have a great deal of respect for her, I think she's a great T, who just had a lapse in judgment. I find myself having only gotten worse, because of therapy. I'm a non drinker, but have actually had the urge to start. NOT healthy. I want an escape, and can't find one. I feel so childish, demanding, frustrating....I'm 40 freakin' years old. I should be able to cry without someone consoling me. Perhaps that's why she quit. But she's been trying to get me to voice my needs. Well...I didn't realize that was a need until I had it. And it didn't matter, because I can't have it. That is why I DON'T have needs! Not that I voice, anyway. I can do without.

So, am I crazy? Or would many of you feel the same way? I am trying to articulate to myself why this hurts so much, and I can't. But no, as far as my marriage goes, I don't get it from him, nor have I ever had it from my family growing up. So just felt nice to get it now.

To be honest, I would prefer to see replies from people who really understand. I know there are a lot here on PC who don't get or want touch from their T....I respect that, but what I'd find helpful is input from those who would feel the same in my shoes.... I used to not want to be touched. Was that way for many years. Dear friends helped me out of that. I'm still weird about people I don't know....a coworker just last week whom I barely know asked me to do something for her, and thanked me by putting her hand on my shoulder. As soon as she removed it and walked away, I found myself involuntarily shrugging that shoulder, as if to remove "the touch." So I'm not there yet. But my T's touch was welcome, and helpful for me. This topic has affected me a great deal. And just caused more agony in my mind than I ever would have had without therapy. I almost feel, although I have learned a lot in therapy and have done some growing/changing, it also has added more heartache. ANd I question if that is worth it. Yet another person to be hurt from. Rejected by.

BTW, she does offer a hug at the end of each session. Since this happened, I have refused some, but had a weak moment and let her. But I told her I didn't know if I wanted hugs, because she could take those away next.