I totally understand your feelings! I have attachment issues (and other) stemming from CSA, and being raised by a non-nurturing, emotionally detached, unloving mother as well as a bi-polar (sometimes unreasonably crazy and sometimes absolutely loving) father. Needless to say, I have had nothing but contempt for myself since a very young age. The majority of my life has been void of showing emotion, giving affection, giving and receiving love, etc. Lonely and disparaging.

After 40+ years, I am just now learning how to deeply connect with another human being. I am also just learning that 'touching' is a good thing. I have my therapist to thank for this. My T. gives me hugs before and after every session. If she ever took even one of those hugs away, I honestly believe I would feel so rejected, dejected, abandoned, and horrified I would probably end it (I have sui ideation already).

I realize that probably sounds silly. But, the hurt my heart feels from missing out on so much emotional nourishment over the years is real and it is sometimes unbearable. To have someone that you have allowed yourself to trust and feel safe with for the first time in decades take something that is so powerful away, would be devastating. My point is, I completely understand why you feel rejected, dirty, hopeless, undeserving, and so on from your T.

The problem I have with your T. is that she did not forewarn you about her abrupt change. She did not discuss taking something so powerful and healing away from you. And to make matters worse, she will not "waste" anymore time discussing the situation with you, as if to say your feelings do not matter. To me, that screams very poor judgment on your T's part. Her actions were disrespectful, hurtful, inconsiderate, and self-serving.

While I am sure your T. had a good reason to stop the consoling, the way she went about it was 100% wrong. Personally, I would have discontinued therapy with this woman, but maybe that is the attachment disorder part in me speaking out. I don't see how I could ever trust her again. I certainly wouldn't feel safe with her. And without trust or safety, I could never allow myself to be vulnerable in her presence.

Please know I am not trying to "diss" your T. entirely. It sounds like you two have done a lot of good work together. I just want you to know I fully get how you feel. And no matter what anyone of us say here, the feelings you feel are yours, and they are real, and they hurt, and your age doesn't matter in this at all.

How do you think you can move past this? Do you tell her you cannot make progress until the two of you have further discussed the issues? Can you tell her how her handling of the situation made you feel? Do you think it will go in one ear and out the other? It baffles me that your therapist told you she does talk therapy. How is it then that she is not willing to talk about something that is of the utmost concern to her client?

Please be well. Therapy can make life worse while drawing out all kinds of crappy life events, feelings, etc. The therapeutic process itself can make a person mad! But, it is temporary, and it winds up making you stronger in the end (note to self - remember this when I feel like giving up ! Listen to your heart to find the answers on how to handle your situation with T. You know where to find me if you need any compassionate, non-judgmental support!!!!