I'm mad at myself for cutting, but I'm also happy I did. It did exactly what I needed it to do: gave me a feeling of release, made my pain tangible, and gave me a sense of control. It's better than SUI. And I'm glad I got stitched. I don't know if that will prevent me from future episodes, but it really disgusts me and I have no desire to touch it (i.e. I won't pick at it).

My fiance was really good to me last night. I told him I was struggling again and needed distraction. So he bought Monopoly for one of his consoles and we played it together for 4 hours.

You know, I tried to get away from gaming, but maybe I should pick it back up. Idk. I need more in my life...like desperately. The thing that makes it difficult is the agoraphobia and social anxiety. I don't want to go back to school yet to finish my degree. I don't need that pressure right now. But I need to do something enjoyable to take up my time.

It's also difficult because I don't have a professional to depend on. I have my new T, but I'm not comfortable with her. I still don't understand the boundaries while she's not a DBT T. Hell, I'm not sure on them when she will be my DBT T. It's confusing me. I haven't even told her about the cutting because I don't know if I'm supposed to or not.

I can't seem to start healing from my ex-T until I have a good connection with my new T. Every time I'm in distress, I want my ex-T, which just makes things worse. If I could reach out to my new T and feel safe, it might be different.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm exhausting my strength trying to use healthy coping skills. I guess that's why I relapsed. It may only provide temporary relief, but I'll take any relief right now.

I started taking my Ativan at night again. I think that will help me get through the nights better. But I can't take it during the day especially if I have appointments.

My heart (figuratively and literally) hurts. My body is still in constant pain. And now, my fiance and I are coming down with a cold. Yay for piling stressors!

And I'm feeling guilty for writing here now. I just feel like I'm letting people down or taking advantage of them. I wish all of the support I'm receiving would magically make me happy. It helps, but it's like a drug that keeps wearing off. I'm frustrated with myself. I want to be stronger. But I just feel lost.