I can try to explain. I'm not saying it's rational. Words can't describe the pain I'm in. Sometimes I can be distracted, sometimes I can cope through it. But as soon as the external stimuli stops, the pain is full strength. I'm wearing myself out. It doesn't matter where I'm at: home, hospital, crisis house...the pain will still be there.

Hospital should be and is a last resort. It's actually shown to be the worst place for people with BPD. That's why the hospital released me. I told them I did it. They didn't even do a psych eval. Why? Because I already have every resource that this city can provide. And the issue isn't resources...it's my ex-T abandoning me. There isn't anymore anyone can do to help me. I must just go through this process and survive however I can.

Pdoc can't help anymore with meds. I'm on the right meds and the right dosage. We know this because I'm stable when not in a crisis. New T can't help. I don't even really know what I'm doing there. Group can't help. Advocate is doing everything she can. Crisis house counselor is supporting me as much as she can, but it's no safer there then at home. Crisis Line makes me worse. Warm Li e can't help. My fiance is supportive, my family is supportive, you all are supportive.

I'm using my coping skills as best as I can. I'm med compliant, seeing my doctors, going to all my appointments, trying to only sleep at night, glass painting, playing with dogs, cleaning the house, organizing photos, going shopping by myself, went to the beach which was difficult, watching TV, keeping up my hygine...

I'm trying my best here. Are there more things I can do? Yep. But not in the state I'm in.

My number 1 symptom is fear of abandonment. It's severe. I have been abandoned (literal not perceived) many times. So my ex-T abandoning me is like sticking someone with a phobia of snakes into a snake pit full of cobras. Yeah, the example sucks, but I hope you get the picture.

Tuesday will be 4 weeks w/o my T. I'm still alive. I have 2 cuts, been to the hospital 3 times, but I'm still here. This is the second worst time in my life with the first being abandoned by my family and church to a homeless shelter at 18.

My point: I'm surviving the best I know how to in a horrible situation. Maybe others would have and easier time? Maybe they could cope better? Maybe worse? Idk. But at least I haven't given up yet.

Oh. I'm happy because the wound has helped minimize my pain with my ex-T. I'm concentrating more on the cut than on her. I'm getting an emotional break I so desperately needed and wanted.

I hope that makes a little sense?

Btw, please know I'm in no way offended or upset with your post. I'm just trying to explain from my perspective.