I'm probably repeating myself but I understand, and you know I do! I don't know if my T gets it either but I'm going to find out. When I recently told her I was afraid she was going to hurt me, she said that was transference, and someone in my past hurt me. But when I thought about it , I realized that SHE hurt me. Just like your T did. She took away the best part of my therapy, the blanket of love I felt when holding her hand. Like your T, she didn't discuss it with me first.

I don't know why I was able to accept her decision without the repercussions you're having. If I knew, I'd tell you. I went about 3 years without the hand holding. It's been about a year since she reinstated it, but it's different now. I still feel she hurt me by lying to me and not discussing it with me.

It's from the child or baby part. which is probably why you can't let go of the hurt. The touching fills a basic need for connection like an infant with its Mommy. For me, it was a new feeling of calm and safety that I never felt before. When my T took it away, I felt like she was killing me!!! Maybe Ts underestimate how much that touch means. My T must know because she doesn't want me to need it from her permanently.

I wish your T would have acknowledged how you felt and her part in not handling it in the best way. Have you told her that her reaction is preventing you from moving forward? What did she say? I guess you have to use radical acceptance, a DBT skill, so you can move on.

I can see why many Ts don't want to use touch. It makes us want more and more even though the goal is to comfort ourselves. That's why my T tells me every single session why we are engaging in touch.

I haven't solved anything here, but wanted you to know how much I understand. I hope you can get past this by working through it with your t. What about a consultation with another T about the problem?