I put this in the PTSD forum....but it is really about my inability to communicate in a useful way with my therapist......so looking for help here please, where a lot of you have read my 'stuff' before. I need help. Please.........

I*am outwardly together, until you ask me to do any higher level functioning...then it is obvious, I really am not together at all.

You all know, T is leaving, 3 sessions to go. The thought patterns and memories and triggers from this became unbearable. I stopped bein able to really talk to my T last week. I am in so much internal pain it is crippling.......But what has hapened is that I have reverted to an old coping strategy......well, two really.

I have distanced myself completely from my emotions, I am pushing any and almost all help away. I very nearly lost my close friend this week by shutting down and pushing her away.*

The other strategy I am using is binge eating. It is completely disgusting, I am disgusting.....but it seems the only way I can control the emotion in the evenings. The only way to keep in control. And more, it is true self punishment, because this time instead of allowing myself to throw up once I get soo full and nauseous......I wint allow myself to do that. It feels much more punishing to have to live with the enormouse discomfort of what I have stuffed down my throat.

I can not write to my T, I can not express what is going on. I am ashamed and disgusted at myself, my inability to cope with this, my weakness at being soo overwhelmed just because someone else is leaving. The memories that are connected to people leaving are unbearable. Even now typing I am struggling to find the best words to describe what is going on, because I am so removed from my emotions it is scary.

I din't know how to stop being like this. I dont know how to allow my T back in, in the short time we have left. I don't know how to stop eating like I am. I know how much I am hurting myself, at least a part of me does, but most of me is on lockdown protect mode.

Help?