As most of you know I have maternal transference with my T.

I'll go through intense feelings (positive and negative) about her. I want her to tell me everything I never heard as a child. I want her to be more caring, blah blah blah. I'm easily hurt by her. I will feel this way for days, cry and sometimes feel overwhelmed.

THEN, a few days later my intellectual/adult side comes out and I feel ridiculous. I KNOW she can't do all of that but I still want it. So, then by the time my session comes around, I've suppressed/intellectualized or disconnected myself from these feelings. BUT, if my T. were to say "see, as an adult you know I can do those things", child me would be hurt.

I wrote my T. a heartfelt letter about how my feelings towards her feel like a kind of torture I'm paying for. My session is today and I think why read it - she can't change and it's all me.