I've had a (not totally unexpected, but often ignored) stressor come to a head lately. I know I could talk about it in T, but I feel like it would be a waste of time. We are more time limited now because of this stressor. I really want to move ahead with the trauma stuff, but at the same time, I'm having trouble not totally panicking and shutting down over the housing issue. I don't want to keep only getting to this point in my trauma work then having to stop again.
Would it be worth asking T if she could help me find additional support around the housing stuff? I still really just want to focus on the trauma stuff with her, but I need help with the other stuff too.
My head feels like it's going to explode. I alternate between a flurry of activity (that ultimately gets me nowhere) and being frozen in fear (which obviously gets me nowhere).
There's some potential for housing help in the area I want to move to, but the catch is that I need to be up there to access the help (and it would be a huge role-reversal as I would be seeking help from an organization I used to work for).
I don't know what to do. I don't even know if any of this even makes sense.
There's so much stuff I still want to address with T before I move, but I have no clue how to prioritize it. She's been offering extra sessions the last few weeks, but I am not sure how long that will last. I also have trouble accepting them because I feel like it's a test to see if I think I am worthy of wasting more of her time (totally a transference thing, and I know that. she knows about the transference, but not necessarily this part of it)... I worry about pissing her supervisor off, though I'm pretty sure that's transference too... I want to tell T about all this, but I don't know how. I have written about it with the intention of giving it to her, but I never do.
I'm just hugely overwhelmed right now. I feel like I'm frantically going in circles hoping to get somewhere, but I only end up stuck in one spot. I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to allow my safety to come into question because I know it's a fear reaction. It will also add too much of a distraction into the mix...
I'm resorting again to coping skills I hadn't touched in several weeks. I find myself begging whatever force has any pull with the universe to just kill me already. It's not sui so much as just really wishing something would take away all this stress. I just want it to stop. I feel totally lost with it all... and I'm freaking out to the point of helplessness. I know if I could calm myself down enough to think, I could probably figure out what to ask for or how to get out of this situation, but I can't seem to do that long enough to get anywhere with it... I want to ask T for help, but I don't want to waste her time; my ****** planning isn't her responsibility. At the same time, I have no idea how to take responsibility for anything I've done to screw up my life so badly...
I dunno... I'm just whining. I'm sorry... I have no idea what I'm asking or why I'm posting this except maybe to help get it down, or to help organize my thoughts... but this is so anything but organized. Sorry...