Hi, this is my first time actually posting here, but I just needed to kinda get this out. It'd be nice to maybe get a little clarity on what I can't explain to my psychologist in words. This may be a little too much info, but I didn't really want too many misunderstandings.


To be perfectly clear I have not had any traumatic or highly stressful events in my life, in fact I probably have a pretty good life. My family are relatively experienced with mental disorders - as we have a pretty bad rap there- therefore there are a few very supportive people. I'm sure I have a small number of good friends that I somehow made in childhood and quite a few from just whenever. Because of my social persona I don't really make enemies and have had a pick of groups to hang out with, because I'm 'bright' I've never had issues in school.

Ever since I was small I've had insomnia which has - of course - become progressively worse as I grow older. As a child it was maybe up till 9pm because it took me 2-3 hours to get to sleep, or waking up at random intervals. As I've gotten older those random awakening stopped mostly because I have been awake at many of those times - usually I can sleep at around 1-6am - occasionally I can't sleep at all. This used to be to help me get those 12 hour safe havens, but now can be chalked up to paranoia some nights.

That's basically my only lasting problem. Until I was about 13 I had always been very antisocial, even now I still manipulate people around me and have a general negative outlook but my aggressive episodes have calmed down a lot. I have tried many different methods and been put on four different medications now for sleep, so far each has become ineffective after about a week.

In about year 8 my attention level and class performance began to slump significantly lower than the previous years. Before this I had been a 'high-up' student in advanced classes/groups and was looking forward to a possible year level 'skip'. Focus in classes is severely lacking as well as almost everywhere else. For almost no reason whatsoever, I just allow my parents and teachers to think the work is not challenging enough.

The truth is I can't, no matter how hard I try, i can do something for about five minutes at most then poof. The most awkward thing is looking at someone unconsciously as I zone out - which can go on, in public, for close to 10 minutes uninterrupted - as this ends in me staring at them 'dead-eyed'. As I said, awkward. Distractions can be ranging from that absolute oblivion, to wondering where the hooded man is, hearing distracting sounds - which are annoying themselves in the way that no-one else seems to hear them or notice at all -, being distracted by the rooms pulsing and swaying etc. Sometimes even just hoping no-one comes over, people stop talking about me or if I'm near any type of wall or fence that those damned hands aren't actually creeping out as they are in my mind.

These are the smaller more common, if even annoying things I hope to stop with some sort of medication till I finish school. But the bad ones - I guess they're not as bad as they are vivid - are things like the feeling of insects, piercing white ringing in my brain, or that paranoia evoking moment. This is a moment where I can hear something, put it to a body or place I can't quite see - usually -, feel a slight breeze, a breath, coolness or heat. But a few moments later I'm whipping my head around and wondering if it was all just my imagination. This unsettles me and it doesn't just happen when I'm alone, in fact it happens more often when I'm not. There's no specific time or place for it to happen so I have nothing to avoid.

These have gotten progressively worse in the past 6 or so months with the hooded man having always been there in the first place, just not as active. Either distracting, annoying or unsettling, this is really getting on my nerves. As well as this my hygiene and social life seem to be becoming more neglected and I feel as though I can't stop it.

I've put these experiences into three categories, and on several lines.Trying to explain my categories would probably require a chart though. A few different child psychologists have played with the idea of depression and ADHD which I'm pretty sure I have neither of. I am being placed on Ritalin but I really do question that idea. Anxiety has also been touched on in the last few years I've had one 40 minute 'breakdown' sort of thing with many smaller ones for no reason whatsoever.


I realize this may have been a little much, words flow easier onto page than out loud. I tried to cut it slightly shorter in edit. In real life I often can't manage to piece together a logical sentence. So far I have just kept this in books and chalked it up to adolescence and sleep deprivation. But it is beginning to interfere a little more than I would like into my life.