I don't think those old journals mean you've gotten nowhere or are never going to get better...

You've been fighting with this beast for 17 years you say, 17 BLOODY YEARS you've managed to manage!!!!

This beast is cyclical, and you've gotten through countless cycles over the past 17 years, THAT'S IN*****INGCREDIBLE!!!!

Idk, maybe I'm strange, but I don't think there's anything to get better from, you find out you have this, and you have this.... After all there is no cure, only management.

So IMO, you should be proud of yourself, you may not have come far on the road you had planned, but you've come damn far on the road that counts.

PS. I burn my journals, always have, I don't like reliving shyt.