Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparks33
I've been a people pleasing perfectionist for as long as I can remember. Making others happy felt like my job as a kid and in all of my relationships. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make people happy and I felt not good enough. Now I rarely try at what I do because I know nothing is perfect and if it's not perfect it's not good enough.
Sometimes I just snort meth in my room with the door closed. Then my home surroundings can be nearly perfect. All the clothes are hung up and folded, the bathroom is clean, the bed is perfectly made and the "To Do List" is written. I've stayed in the place for a year now and managed to work part time and maintain some connections when I don't recluse to my bedroom and shut the door.
I want help, but I put constituents on what help I want to accept. I fear loss more than anything and I fear rejection. I want to be free, but sometimes this place all alone is comfy. Sometimes this place all alone is the loneliest self dug pit and I summon up the courage to reach out, but then a week or two later I'm snorting lines again and the cycle continues.
What is wrong with me.
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Oh, honey
I'm sorry you feel that way. I know all about speed habits...I'm bipolar, and a lot of times when feeling real depressed I just want nothing but to get a little bit of mania again...and it always seems like the easiest solution is to go out and buy myself some ice. Get all my schoolwork done, and yeah clean the bathroom, and the kitchen. And it's so hard to resist that. Everything you feel is perfectly normal.
Are you seeing a professional about your problems? The problems you listed are the same problems that most people with a (meth)amphetamine problem have experienced their whole life. So you're not alone. You might need further treatment for things like depression. There's something there that can fixed by things other than methamphetamines. Even if it's simply a medication.
And don't isolate yourself socially. I always make sure I have at least a couple friends I can vent to about anything, especially friends that have dealt with substance problems but won't be bad influences. Try not to hang with people who might influence you in the wrong direction. And if nothing else, shoot me a PM anytime.