I appreciate your input. I agree that I need to really try and think things through instead of just doing whatever. It's just like when I'm in the situation I'm really impulsive. Like I don't understand because it' sooo not me to even think about even doing coke. No one said I had to do it or else. It was just like you can do this too if you want and you'll like it; it's a good time. So, I say sure why not; I'm curious and am always looking to feel good or better.. chasing that wanting to feel euphoric and all that. I'm also wondering what's really driving this like there must be more going on. I'm kind of wondering if it's one of my mental health issues... I have been diagnosed with several things: ocd, ptsd, panic, bpd, schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I engaged in this behavior on thursday night; well, last night my mood kind of crashed a little. I ended up calling the warmline a peer to peer hotline for people with mental health issues. I felt so awful last night. It was like I felt guilty to some extent cause I thought about gee, what would happen if I had died or something; what would have happened to my pets... I mean I know my family would have been devastated but they can take care of themselves.. I know this sounds awful but I was in such a depressed mood. Thinking about what I should do.... I'm getting done a intensive psychiatric outpatient program this coming week. I guess things maybe aren't quite resolved yet. But on the other hand, things will work out, I'm hoping. I have therapy twice a week set up so I'm hoping I will be all set with things.