THanks for the blog link, I'll read it after I post! I really appreciate all of the replies!

And BayBrony, thank you SO much for thinking enough of it to bring it up to your T!! I really, REALLY wanted a T's perspective on this. She took it away. Fine. It's not THAT she did it. It's HOW and WHEN she did it.

When- she did it when she was facing major stress in her life. We don't think rationally then. She also did it after I had disclosed some things to her I was having a really hard time disclosing. So of course I would think that is the reason.

How- she started touch late summer/early fall, somewhere in there. It happened less than a dozen times. More like half a dozen, she says. I asked for it the very first time. She said "I was just going to." I never asked, or expected it again. She offered it on her own, when she saw fit. One of the last times she even said "I haven't come sit by you in awhile. I think today's the day." It didn't happen every time I was upset. I could never predict it. I dissociate, sometimes she did it to help keep me grounded when I was starting to tune out. Sometimes she did it when I was really upset, crying, and just hurting. But not always. And that was ok. I knew I needed to get through this on my own. But the times she did do it lasted me for several sessions after. It just reminded me that she understood. That it was ok to cry. That I was cared about by her. That she was willing to give a little of herself to me to help me get through this. I heard her stinkin' heartbeat for God's sake! It was soothing to me. But I never asked for it (after the first time,) she chose when she thought was a good time. It went on for 5 months (she said). She also said half a dozen times. So that would be about 40 sessions!! 6 times in 40 sessions?? That is all, but was enough to make a difference to me.

Yes, I view it as punishment, rejection, and something I did. She swears it's none of those things. She knows how badly it hurt me, she knows I was traumatized by it, and I swore it was just a set up, for her to help me show anger....which I couldn't do.... and then once I did, I hoped she'd say "ok, I was just kidding!" Nope, she was not kidding. And she saw me stick up for myself in a big way. She knows it hurt. I told her nothing she would say could ever make me feel like it wasn't my fault. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Again, she apologized for my feelings. Not for hurting me.

So, I have a problem with her not talking to me about it in the beginning. Telling me this was not her modality, and that she's straying a little bit from her beliefs, but that it would only be temporary. She could have told me that either before hand, or somewhere near the beginning. Or even towards the end. Not take it away without talking to me about it first. I fought for myself. Stuck up for myself and my "needs" and "feelings." No, I did not get this as a child. I told her perhaps it's my inner child who desires it. She said that I'm an adult and need to learn how to cope as an adult. yet she also had recently said I need to "embrace my inner child and fulfill her needs". She knows I think this whole inner child stuff is bull *****. But, I was willing to admit that's where it could be coming from.

I'm avoiding deep subjects. I will leave therapy before I start crying again. I already walked out early once, because I could feel the tears coming, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit there and cry. And she knows darn well one of my biggest issues is sitting there crying, being stared at while I do. I was at the lowest of the low at that time. She knew that. That, also, is where her timing sucked.

I spent countless Emails and two sessions talking about it. She called it a "red herring." She thought we'd reached an impasse, and she seemed a little defensive. I think, perhaps, she wanted me to drop it because maybe she knows she didn't handle it in the best way but couldn't admit it? A couple people mentioned countertransference. She was having major issues with her daughter. Perhaps I was soothing her, in letting her soothe me? ANd perhaps she realized that and spooked? I know all of this is just a repeat. But It still hurts. And I see it hindering my therapy. I'm NOT done with this subject. But I thought I'd do as she wished, and hope that maybe my hurt feelings will just go away. I feel untouchable. Unlovable. I'm pushing others in my life away. I don't trust her completely like I did. I hope I will again. I like her a lot. I appreciate all she's done for me. We work well together. In fact she said that. "we work well together, can't we just drop it and get on with more important stuff?" That's when I DID tell her how important processing this was to me. She says "well lets process it then! When else have you ever felt like this?" DING DING DING....was she trying to bring this up? Bring up this awful feeling so I could describe when I've felt it in the past?

I'm not getting it back, and I don't want it back. Not to risk losing it again. I just wish she'd apologize. Not for how I feel (which she has), but for going about this the wrong way. I feel worse now than I ever did before therapy. But I just go in there now, play robot, and try to keep going on whatever she brings up. I myself am not doing much to bring up topics anymore. Yet she can get me talking relatively easily. Although today, not so much. She asked me to talk about things that are on my mind that I don't want to think about. THIS. But I wasn't ready to bring it back up again.

Off to read that blog.... but Bay, thank you SO much for asking your T! I know we actually have Ts on here, and I really was hoping for an opinion from one.... so you helped me a great deal!