Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina Simone
This post is soooo inside my head. Today, Easter Sunday, I actually thought "this must be how lepers felt". I had to talk myself down. No one called me or reached out to me for the holiday. I sent out texts to family and friends and maybe half responded. I started feeling like something must be wrong with me to make everyone avoid me. Why am I not worthy of an invitation or even a phone call on a holiday? I reminded myself all living things are deserving of love and affection. I just don't have the right people in my life to provide that for me.
I can go days without seeing another person. Weeks go by without me touching another living being. I find it hard to be affectionate sometimes because I feel so needy and people don't understand. My threshold for emotional pain is very low and I don't want anyone to be mean to me. Therefore I withdraw. I feel so alone and I'm trying to get treatment but I had to switch insurance and so I'm still at the beginning.
I don't even like using the word family. It implies a relationship that does not exist. Not only are they not supportive they are users. If I'm paying for a meal that's when they have time. If I challenge them in any way it's a problem. Telling me to "buck up" and "everyone gets down" does not help my situation. I have done so much for my family and supported so many through so much. To have them turn their backs on me really is a horrible betrayal.
I can look back now and see where depression has been a constant in my family. My Mother, Grandmother and probably my Great-Grandmother all suffered from depression I believe. There has been so much abuse in my family it's not surprising. It's funny when I hear other people talk about my family I think....if only you knew how damaged we all are.
I keep telling myself things will get better but I feel like I'm slipping further and further down the rabbit hole. Nothing gives me joy and it's hard to get out of bed. I have to prepare myself mentally at least a day or two before to even leave the house. Even then by the time I get my coat on I just want to go back to bed. No one understands the hell my life is right now and I've given up trying to explain it. I'm so tired and that scares me. In the past when I've drifted deep into the darkside being tired was always a bad sign.
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Shame on all those hypocrites "celebrating" Easter without the compassion or morals to contact you - phone you or invite you for dinner I'm sure some of them must have had. People are TOO BUSY in today's world to look after vulnerable family members, instead they just pretend you're not there - case/problem solved - guilt is banished. Neither lepers nor the mentally/emotionally challenged should be so shunned or disregarded - in fact I think the lot of lepers has, happily, improved, not so for those with mental disorders and struggles.