I have T today, and don't want to go. On top of that, I had a really awful headache last night that seems to be sticking around, and I'm a little dizzy/nauseous feeling today. I just don't feel good. I'm back to being ready to quit. It's so expensive, and I'm stressing about boundaries and the "frame" not feeling secure (I don't care that he talks to a supervisor, but if I understand correctly, he uses my *actual* first name, and sends copies of things I've written via email. This feels so unsafe to me right now... email is not secure, and anyone snooping could easily figure out who I am by my first name, since I email him for schedule changes, and he emails me receipts. I don't care about someone/govt! finding out that I'm a patient of his, but my writing is really personal, I feel like it's at risk of being made public - but worse I feel like - why doesn't he already KNOW this stuff? Why isn't he using a pseudonym for me? Why isn't he better at protecting my privacy?)

SoupDragon - I haven't seen the movie, but that's such a nice thought! I wish I could believe it for me! But, I just don't know. I don't think I can work out my stuff without someone who understands/knows what's going on, and I think T (in general, not just my T) makes everything kind of worse... I am so much LESS stable in T, it's ridiculous. I'm back to arguing that I'd be better quitting. It really, literally, seems to be like this every other week or so Thanks.

Soccer Mom - Wow! First, yeah, the caring thing is SO freaking hard. (I think I responded to in-person discussions about "caring" like you do about "needs" - I don't want to say it, it makes me want to cry!) My T told me that he cared very early on, but frankly, it was too early... he didn't know me well enough to care, and I think I might have told him that. I don't tell him that I want him to care, because I think that if I *ask* him to say it, he'll say it to be therapeutic, not because of genuine care. I guess, part of me also just doesn't really expect/believe it. I'm feeling so unlikeable these days, I think if T just manages to not actively show dislike he's probably doing about the best he can! I don't know, maybe it's not the "caring" - I still just don't feel *understood*, and all the caring in the world seems a little useless without the understanding! Maybe I'm too picky though, or maybe me picking everything apart is a way to force him to show he cares? *sigh* So hard...

I find directness hard too. And... do you also freak out when people aren't showing *any* emotion, when they're just responding with very neutral, data, no expressions or anything? I've tried explaining this to my T (a friend and me did an experiment years ago, and it *really* freaked me out, and I think this is part of my problem with Ts in general, they don't seem to be very expressive!)

Very independent here too. Not so much taught, but more of a sink-or-swim thing, I guess. You know, my parents just weren't there parenting... so if I needed something, I needed to figure out how to get it myself, basically. I bet this is common with childhood neglect, and it makes total sense to me. But it sure makes it hard to get therapy! I don't feel like I need my T at all right now! I feel like, 9 months in, I still am not sure I want to be there, and would be fine quitting (except the little part of me that is attached, and gets rather sobby when I really think about leaving - argh!)

I've got that book (Running on Empty)! I think I didn't finish it though - my concentration for reading psych books has plummeted, and I started that when I was stressed last year about a work trip, and the stress sort of pushed everything else out of the way and took over! Did you find it helpful at all? I'm starting to feel like I can read for a million years, but I'm not sure it changes anything for me... Thanks!