(((8888an8888)))
I am so sorry you have discovered this and that it has had such a negative impact on you. PLease if you feel that you are unable to keep yourself safe, call a crisis team / Samaritans.
This will all pass and you will gain a new perspective, but as you say, you have poor impulse control, please get some help to keep yourself safe in the meantime.
Soup.
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Soup
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