Had T today. Left feeling terrible, but not sure why.

OK, I think I know why. All along, I've been feeling like T doesn't really understand me. Like, he'll get things... every once in awhile, but on the whole, it feels like he's just missing, and not getting it. I keep trying, I write things out so I can be clear, I try really hard to explain things, I *try*. But somehow, we're always reading from different books.

Today, I talked a bit about T and privacy. Specifically, he uses my actual first name with his supervisor (no last names, and she's in a different state). OK, it makes me a little nervous, but I see how she's far away and won't connect it. But, he emails her things that I wrote (and gave him on paper, not via email). Ugh.

I had to explain to him that email is not secure, and while I realize that probably no one cares about my craziness - privacy is still *really* important to me. How else can you be open and vulnerable? (I don't care if someone snoops and finds out I'm in therapy with him, I DO CARE ALOT about private things that I've written getting made public in any way. That's really not acceptable.)

So, I asked that if he's going to email my writing, to just use a fake name for me, please. He was ok with that, and assured me that he didn't *think* my name was actually in the email. OK...

So later, he was talking (again) about how he highly recommends me going to a DBT group. One of my big concerns is that the DBT-T (who I called previously with questions) requires me to sign something so that she can talk to my T. I asked her more about that, and she says that she talks to the Ts regularly to discuss people in group.

Um. That inspires such a strong, visceral NOT GOOD response in me. I told my T flat out, I don't care if she talks to him about anything I say/do in group. That's fine, he's my T, he should be aware and coordinating things, I get that. But I 1000% do NOT want him sharing my private information from individual sessions with this stranger. Just no, there's nothing that feels good or safe about that. No no no no no.

I don't think I'm crazy here, I think that's a really basic tenet of therapy, isn't it?!!?

He does a lot of addictions work, and basically talked about how sometimes putting your stuff out there and sharing it publicly can be really good/healing.

I just feel like he doesn't get it, at all. I feel like I should have known, this has been an issue since the first few sessions (I posted initially about him talking to clients on the phone with his door open, so I could hear quite a bit of the conversation, which he still does.)

I'm just back to feeling like, it's not a good match. I'm not his target demographic. And honestly, I don't get anything from our conversations. I was hoping for some sense of putting things together - for somebody to listen, figure out how the pieces fit together, and then help me see the picture, and how to move towards a better life.

Like SkyscraperMeow posted, instead, I feel worse and worse as I go on. I have more SI issues (I was having very few urges when I wasn't in therapy, and didn't have a problem not acting on them.) I had lost weight, was doing fun things, and basically getting my life working. Not perfect, but working.

But now, I feel like I am spending all my disposable income on therapy, so I'm stressed all the time about bills and money, and don't have money to plan anything fun, let alone do things like house repairs. And, I feel like I'm getting worse - my eating is worse (I've gained back almost all the weight I lost), my SI urges are worse, and I have many more *sui thoughts. My whole life feels worse, and I don't see us actually ever doing anything that makes me feel like I'm moving towards better.

So, I'm back to being ready to quit. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm like.. 90% there maybe. I need to go and get back the book I let him borrow. But I think after that, I might just have to say, "I'm sorry - it's too expensive for what I'm getting." I'd find a way to make the money work, if I felt I were getting something out of it. But I'm not.

I hate therapy.... so so much.