(((((8888an8888)))))

I'm worried about you too... please hang in there! You're not bad, what you did is perfectly normal. And, as others have said... even if she has kids, it's not going to change how she feels for you.

Please, please if you can, give your T a call. I know it sounds overwhelming and impossible, but really, just take it one small tiny step at a time. Just leave her a message that something happened and you're having trouble coping and need help.

As others have said, even if you haven't talked about transference, she should know what it is... she should have learned all about it in T school. It's VERY NORMAL - transference is completely normal, and most Ts expect it, even if they don't talk to you about it. It's part of being in therapy.

But you don't even have to get into all that. You just need to tell her that something happened, you're upset, you're not coping well, and you need help. That's it. Just that you need help now, and are having suicidal thoughts.

Please, please, let her help you. Everything you've said sounds like she cares a great deal about you, and we all do.

Other ideas - I 1000% agree on getting out for a walk or run if you can, or doing something physical (exercise video? jumping jacks? dancing to loud music?) to help burn off some of the stress chemicals that you're body is releasing. It should help somewhat with all the urges to hurt yourself, even if it sounds crazy... you wear yourself out with something that is healthier and less damaging...

And, again, if you're still feeling out of control - please consider going to the hospital. I just want you to stay safe... you really do deserve that.

Hang in there, and be safe, please.