Thanks Iheartjacques and ThisWayOut...

Iheartjacques - That's a good point about "gelling". It's so hard, because there are things he does well... better than any other therapist I've seen. He's done an amazing job at helping me not stay dissociated and miss the entire session, and in getting me talking. He's actually really good at that, and the specialists I saw weren't! But yeah, I don't know if we're gelling at all... if he's getting stuff. I don't know, I just hate leaving and feeling bad

ThisWayOut - thanks. I don't know, you know, I've tried several who were recommended as experts in dissociation/trauma, and they were mostly terrible. I can't wrap my brain around it. It was so disappointing. The exception was the woman who did the consult to diagnosis me - I thought she was AWESOME and my old T had told me that I could see her if I liked her, but, she was busy writing her book and not taking new patients. And, now she's not taking new patients either, she's doing a ton of traveling and teacher (from her website), and frankly I've got all kinds of issues from the way that mess was handled back then (15 years ago!). You know, the whole - "here you go, here's your diagnosis, and now neither I nor your old T can meet with you. Good luck!" That's what it felt like anyway.

I'm thinking of taking a break again, and focusing on the healthy habits that are falling to the side while I'm in T (cooking, healthy eating, exercise, sleep). I've got some activities I'd like to get involved in, and would work on trying to meet some new friends (mine are all gone). And put the extra money towards fixing the things that are falling apart in my house! Basically, I'd get back to having a life

I don't know. I suspect I don't have the guts yet to walk away. I don't know why it's so hard (maybe b/c there's a little voice in my head saying I'm running out of time to fix my stuff, I'm totally nuts, nobody else will put up with me, and I really need to figure it out now!) But, seriously, it would be so much easier if I didn't feel like I was going broke to do it

Thanks for letting me ramble... writing it all out seems to help me alot...