I think that what you said was on topic, as right there you stated some beliefs and feelings that you have. The belief in invincibility. The ambivalence, the diverse desires. The dissatisfaction with your concept of rock bottom. The suggestion that in the past you did need to prove things to people, and now you do not. In the past you needed to be sicker, but now you do not.

I read an article recently, a qualitative study, that might interest you. At a certain French hospital, applicants for admission had to provide letters as to why they wanted in-patient treatment. The article examined these letters for recurring themes. The recurring themes reported were: 1. Loss of control, both of actions and of thoughts. There used to be control, that was a thrill if you will of the ED, but now there is not. 2. Inner distress, from exhaustion and from isolation. 3. Ambivalence: wanting to recover versus wanting to restrict more, and fear of recovery. Recovery would mean giving up the ED and therefore a part of oneself. The ED initially brought comfort and an identity, to give it up would be to enter an unknown and could require mourning, even though giving it up would also mean freedom from the isolation and loss of control that ED brings.

To move forward as a healthy individual: what does that mean for you now, as a next step?