Hi connect.the.stars,
"................I wish I could do that too"
Hey, what you're doing on here..........managing to talk about things that hurt, allowing yourself to be vulnerable has to take a whole lot more to do than that, so no selling yourself short, hey??!!!!
And IRL.......guessing from what you say on here.........you have plenty of good attributes!!!!!
But.........the first part of your message.........seriously means a lot, thank you!!!!

I feel like I push people away when they try to ask. Then when they don't ask, I feel lonely. This is the mistake I make. And it makes me negative. It makes it hard for me to stay positive for other people. When all I feel is selfishness for wanting something that I keep denying myself anyway (if that even makes sense).

That's why I feel stupid. I feel like a failure when I admit I know exactly what I am doing wrong, yet I still do it anyway.

Hey, it can be real hard to let down those barriers and open up to people, especially when you've been deterred from doing that in the past or/and not been really listened to.......which has been kind of how it's been for you at times, right??
So when you say you push people away I wouldn't really class those times as a mistake.......more as understandable natural instincts that kick in based on your experiences, the expectations you feel are placed on you, and e.g. fear/hesitancy/unfamiliarity..........of letting out your feelings. So you're not stupid, you're not a failure, alright??!!! It can just sometimes take real hard effort and time to break away from those natural instincts you have.
But it so isn't selfishness to want to be heard, to want someone to help you to talk, to want someone to bridge that gap/to reach out, to want support, to want things to be about you sometimes............it's completely "normal", to want those things
So less about you trying to stay positive for other people all the time, OK??!! You have needs too.
Maybe there's one person in your life for now who you could really focus on trying to make that/some sort of stronger connection with, or sharing a just a bit more with???
Or maybe identifying some things you do to push people away, and work on modifying them just a bit and then a bit more......step by step??? For example if you say "I'm fine" when you're not, maybe try changing that to "Could be worse", if you change the subject or walk away if people are getting a bit "close" try to stay or stay on topic just a tiny bit longer, if you avoid telling them something maybe change that to "I'll tell you later".........
So yes, it might not be possible for you to open up at the time........but you will be working on getting that little bit closer to doing so for another time.
Or of course, you might be able to write down how you've been feeling for someone........it can sometimes be easier to do that than tell them face-to-face.
But whatever you're thinking now...........what is non-negotiable is: You're NOT stupid, you're NOT a failure!!

Alison