various posts, blogs, and my own stuff with T in the moment kinda sparked this thought: is there something between desperately clinging to therapy and going every session vs. cancelling all the time and no-showing?

I've had more than one T mention to me that I am unusual in my habit of showing up all the time, no matter what. I'm almost always on time (or early. or I call if I'm more than 5 minutes late).

I think it's partly because I keep hoping therapy will make things better, and partly because I was never given a choice to avoid stuff when I was a kid. It didn't matter if it meant I was going to get in huge trouble for something I had done (or not done. or something someone else did or didn't do. or because he just felt like exherting his power), I still had to be where I was summoned (or told I needed to go). There was never a "good enough" reason not to be somewhere I was supposed to be... T kinda feels the same in a way. I've made the commitment to go, so I just have to keep physically going no matter what...

I realized yesterday though, that instead of cancelling or no-showing when things get difficult, I push to go more, but I also dissociate more...

Is there a middle-ground? What's a "healthy" way to respond to the therapy experience? What's a healthy way to resond to overwhelming situations like this? I'm normally good at seeing the "gray" in a lot of situations (even if I don't act on any middle-ground), but this one has me stumped at the moment...

I guess I'm asking because I'm internally warring with this push and pull. Part of me wants to cling desperately to T right now, but another part wants to put up walls and ditance myself.

I will probably bring this up with T next time I see her (if I remember), but I also want to wrap my head around it a bit more...

Sorry if it's not making much sense at the moment. My head feels very scattered and all-over-the-place.